a secret.

i guess this is probably considered my "deepest darkest secret" or i guess one of them but i guess i just need to write about it... but if you know me you've probably already figured it out, or i've told you.

i absolutly 100% am afraid to trust... so in doing that i have turned into someone a whole lot different.

and its shocking that i'm sharing this in my opinion because i think it means i trust you knowing this but then again i just dont know. but not being able to trust has turned me into a person that is fearful and will just run from things. i am willing to not have any friends because of it. i feel that i just bother people when i say hey to them of if i text them that every time i text them they think gosh wont she just leave me alone andi feel that they are just my friend because they feel sorry for me. i feel left out the majority of the time, just from losing friends recently i've felt that more. because i have lost friends meaning i have less people that want me around meaning i was a bother to them, and because i was a bother to them i was left out. and now when i'm with other of my very few friends that i have now, they share things that i dont know. i mean i dont exactly mind not being told things but if your gunna tell things dont exactly be like hey i want to talk to you about something when no one else is around. because i thought i was your friend so i'm not allowed to know. making me feel worthless and useless. and then when i have to go on trips dont plan what you going to do while i'm gone right infront of me. it makes me feel empty and useless and it makes me feel like you want to have a really fun time and want to rub it in my face. i dont really care exactly what you do while i'm gone it just makes me feel kinda... well not kinda.. i just feel alone. coming back to my point sometimes i feel that i just shouldnt have friends and walk around being one of thoes kids thats made fun of because she doesnt have friends. i sometimes feel that would be eaiser than trusting someone, and being lied to for however long. i just feel that it would be easier to walk through life knowing i'm alone. then being alone and not knowing it. by having fake relationships. i dont know. i guess i just struggle from all this because of my dad.

my dad left me at a very young age. well actually he started leaving when i was born... i guess this is just my secret blog out of the world to see, my dad didnt want a second child, so always floating in the back of my head from the get go i wasnt wanted. i guess thats why i struggle with this so much. is because of what my dad has done to me. and so i walk through life just thinking people care about me and are my "friend" when really its all just an act.

i guess i just have an extreme problem of feeling loved. because its never really been shown to me ever. because my dad left me when i was born pretty much... and my relationships with guys all have just not been good.

i guess to conclude this i guess to sum it all up. i guess it really all just comes down to is i just have alot of problems. i guess my main one i just to feel loved by some kinda of male figure because of what has happened in my life. and i mean i'm doing a biblestudy on worth. but i just dont see anykind of worth in me because from what i've experienced not many people see me as worthy. i mean i guess like i said it just comes down to i just have problems. and i need some kind of way to figure it all out. but i honestly dont know if i will.

i'm not exaclty sure why i've just shared all this. but i did for some strange reason.

ps. in reading this i dont want you to feel sorry for me. because thats the last thing i need or really want to be felt for. i'm not exactly sure how you should feel but i guess i just dont want you to feel sorry for me because eventually, hopefully i will fight through this. i mean i guess you can feel sorry for me if thats truly how you feel. i honestly just dont want to know about it because it will just make me feel... i'm not exactly sure how to describe how it will make me feel. but i really just guess i dont want to know. (i'm sorry if that comes across rude i dont mean it to)