when God picks you.

for the last two months i've been going crazy and havent sat down to write... i really should have though. i've been pulled into so many directions faced with challenges and been told things i really dont want to hear. its been stressful, but yet its been calm. life is life.

but more recently it hasnt been what i was expecting. i wanted senior year to be different. its my last year to make a difference in my home that i call eastside before i grow up and become and adult. and you know what. thats what God is deciding to do.

last week was a load i guess is the best way you could put it.

as pretty much all you know i've lead a middle school small group for the last year and have absoluty loved it. so i was going to lead one again this year. but this year my heart hasnt been in it like it was last year. but i still said i would do it anyway....

last week though i had coffee with someone and we really started to talk about the things that have been going on in my life. leading a small group being one of them. and as we started to talk i started to realized that leading this year wasnt for me. that God has other things in store for me. i am a captain on my softball team this year and as a captain i have A LOT of responsibility... from leading the team in good examples to making sweatshirt decisions... and as i've thought about it i feel that being captain this year is supposed to be my focus and start to say no to things. meaning i say no to leading a small group this year. which was probably one of the hardest things for me to do ever. but after talking with chris and just how my feelings are i know its what i am supposed to do.

when you think nothing more can happen. your wrong. always wrong. i have had a tug at my heart about someone since probably school started and i havent shared to anyone about it. its a person that i dont exactly talk to or associate with. but this year i have a class with him. so thursday night at our football game it really started to tug at my heart as i shared with a friend how i was feeling. as i watched him out on the football field it really started to hit me that i do need to talk to him. and so as i watched the miracle of a game we played come to a close i told God i was willing to do it. so the next day i had my opportunity to talk to him. and i didnt take it. and for the past two days at school i feel like i havent had an opportunity to talk to him again yet. i dont know what to talk to him about or what to say or how to do this at all. but if this is what i'm supposed to do God will provide.

when i finally thought that was it. again i was wrong. as of sunday night i have now been challenged to get jay to do something. yayyyyy haha... no. i havent talked/seen that boy since easter. so how the heck am i supposed to talk to him. i have no clue. so that task is still in the process and trying to figure it out.

so i guess right now i'm just trying to figure out how to follow what God has asked me to do, because its difficult. more difficult than imaginable. and i want this year to be one i remember, one that i will look back on and say i did what i was supposed to do, not wish i could go back and fix it.