a mess.

i know its been a long time since i've britten and i dont really know where to begin. my life is a mess and thats the best way to descibe it. i'm alone and really tired of just having one friend. i want to restore friendships. i want to laugh and smile again. i want to feel like i'm worth being here again. i'm tired of my life just being softball and school. i want my friends back. i'm tired of being accused of things. i hate being ok with sitting alone and feeling like an outcast. i'm tired of not desiring God. i'm tired of not having loving relationships. i want that joyful spirit i used to have back. i'm tired of wishing my life away to get away from everything i'm dealing with. i want everything to be ok. i want to enjoy my senior year. i want it to be the best years of my life like everyone says they are. i want my old friends back, or atleast friends. i want happiness back. i just want me back.

when God picks you.

for the last two months i've been going crazy and havent sat down to write... i really should have though. i've been pulled into so many directions faced with challenges and been told things i really dont want to hear. its been stressful, but yet its been calm. life is life.

but more recently it hasnt been what i was expecting. i wanted senior year to be different. its my last year to make a difference in my home that i call eastside before i grow up and become and adult. and you know what. thats what God is deciding to do.

last week was a load i guess is the best way you could put it.

as pretty much all you know i've lead a middle school small group for the last year and have absoluty loved it. so i was going to lead one again this year. but this year my heart hasnt been in it like it was last year. but i still said i would do it anyway....

last week though i had coffee with someone and we really started to talk about the things that have been going on in my life. leading a small group being one of them. and as we started to talk i started to realized that leading this year wasnt for me. that God has other things in store for me. i am a captain on my softball team this year and as a captain i have A LOT of responsibility... from leading the team in good examples to making sweatshirt decisions... and as i've thought about it i feel that being captain this year is supposed to be my focus and start to say no to things. meaning i say no to leading a small group this year. which was probably one of the hardest things for me to do ever. but after talking with chris and just how my feelings are i know its what i am supposed to do.

when you think nothing more can happen. your wrong. always wrong. i have had a tug at my heart about someone since probably school started and i havent shared to anyone about it. its a person that i dont exactly talk to or associate with. but this year i have a class with him. so thursday night at our football game it really started to tug at my heart as i shared with a friend how i was feeling. as i watched him out on the football field it really started to hit me that i do need to talk to him. and so as i watched the miracle of a game we played come to a close i told God i was willing to do it. so the next day i had my opportunity to talk to him. and i didnt take it. and for the past two days at school i feel like i havent had an opportunity to talk to him again yet. i dont know what to talk to him about or what to say or how to do this at all. but if this is what i'm supposed to do God will provide.

when i finally thought that was it. again i was wrong. as of sunday night i have now been challenged to get jay to do something. yayyyyy haha... no. i havent talked/seen that boy since easter. so how the heck am i supposed to talk to him. i have no clue. so that task is still in the process and trying to figure it out.

so i guess right now i'm just trying to figure out how to follow what God has asked me to do, because its difficult. more difficult than imaginable. and i want this year to be one i remember, one that i will look back on and say i did what i was supposed to do, not wish i could go back and fix it.

a secret.

i guess this is probably considered my "deepest darkest secret" or i guess one of them but i guess i just need to write about it... but if you know me you've probably already figured it out, or i've told you.

i absolutly 100% am afraid to trust... so in doing that i have turned into someone a whole lot different.

and its shocking that i'm sharing this in my opinion because i think it means i trust you knowing this but then again i just dont know. but not being able to trust has turned me into a person that is fearful and will just run from things. i am willing to not have any friends because of it. i feel that i just bother people when i say hey to them of if i text them that every time i text them they think gosh wont she just leave me alone andi feel that they are just my friend because they feel sorry for me. i feel left out the majority of the time, just from losing friends recently i've felt that more. because i have lost friends meaning i have less people that want me around meaning i was a bother to them, and because i was a bother to them i was left out. and now when i'm with other of my very few friends that i have now, they share things that i dont know. i mean i dont exactly mind not being told things but if your gunna tell things dont exactly be like hey i want to talk to you about something when no one else is around. because i thought i was your friend so i'm not allowed to know. making me feel worthless and useless. and then when i have to go on trips dont plan what you going to do while i'm gone right infront of me. it makes me feel empty and useless and it makes me feel like you want to have a really fun time and want to rub it in my face. i dont really care exactly what you do while i'm gone it just makes me feel kinda... well not kinda.. i just feel alone. coming back to my point sometimes i feel that i just shouldnt have friends and walk around being one of thoes kids thats made fun of because she doesnt have friends. i sometimes feel that would be eaiser than trusting someone, and being lied to for however long. i just feel that it would be easier to walk through life knowing i'm alone. then being alone and not knowing it. by having fake relationships. i dont know. i guess i just struggle from all this because of my dad.

my dad left me at a very young age. well actually he started leaving when i was born... i guess this is just my secret blog out of the world to see, my dad didnt want a second child, so always floating in the back of my head from the get go i wasnt wanted. i guess thats why i struggle with this so much. is because of what my dad has done to me. and so i walk through life just thinking people care about me and are my "friend" when really its all just an act.

i guess i just have an extreme problem of feeling loved. because its never really been shown to me ever. because my dad left me when i was born pretty much... and my relationships with guys all have just not been good.

i guess to conclude this i guess to sum it all up. i guess it really all just comes down to is i just have alot of problems. i guess my main one i just to feel loved by some kinda of male figure because of what has happened in my life. and i mean i'm doing a biblestudy on worth. but i just dont see anykind of worth in me because from what i've experienced not many people see me as worthy. i mean i guess like i said it just comes down to i just have problems. and i need some kind of way to figure it all out. but i honestly dont know if i will.

i'm not exaclty sure why i've just shared all this. but i did for some strange reason.

ps. in reading this i dont want you to feel sorry for me. because thats the last thing i need or really want to be felt for. i'm not exactly sure how you should feel but i guess i just dont want you to feel sorry for me because eventually, hopefully i will fight through this. i mean i guess you can feel sorry for me if thats truly how you feel. i honestly just dont want to know about it because it will just make me feel... i'm not exactly sure how to describe how it will make me feel. but i really just guess i dont want to know. (i'm sorry if that comes across rude i dont mean it to)

wrong friends.

i guess this continues on from my last blog about friends. except this one will probably be short and sweet.

as i sat at starbucks last night with a true friend... i got a text from one of the "friends" saying we needed to work it out. so i told her if thats what she really wanted. so i guess i decided i would hear her out. but in doing that i figured out what she really wanted. she wanted to put me down like the other two already had. and honestly after hearing what she wanted to say to me. i was done. i kept telling my friend "i dont owe them anything" which i really dont. if what they are saying about me is truly how they feel about me then why would they want to work things wout with someone that they thing is a five letter word or other things along that line. as i started to meditate over that text it really started to hit me that these people are not what i thought they were. and i understand people change because according to them i have, but i have because of them. and as i look back on it i've changed for the worse. because i started doing and saying things that were'nt right, and i started blowing off TRUE friends. but as i sat there at starbucks it really all started to click. it just really sucks because i put my heart and soul into thoes friendships.

because thats just what kind of person i am. i put my heart and soul into things. but as i've learned from this doing that isnt always the smartest thing because other people that you think will do the same wont. something my mom told me last night after i finally decided to end it with them was that if you put 100% in you will always get 100% hurt. and that is true. if things turn out for the worse then you will lose what you put into it. but another thing i will remember is that they kept telling me that this is my time. right now i'm at the point in my life of being able to chase after something most just dream of. but in doing so i must give up alot, and thats one of the things thoes girls didnt understand. but right now i choose to follow after my dream and do whatever it takes to get there, and i know that there are really people out there that want the same for me even if that means i see them less, that they are still behind me following my dream. i guess losing these three friends is the right thing for me to do right now, that even though im losing 3 years of friendship with two of them and then probably about 8 or 9 years with the other one that this is the right thing for me right now to follow after my dream.

friends.

how do you know what a true friend looks like. with all honesty you dont know what one looks like. you just hope that the person you are building a relationship with will put in the same kind of effort that you are putting into it.

well i've have a group of three other girls and myself that i have been good friends with for a good long while. we were thoes girls that were always together. but since school got out. its been a diffeent story. well two of them graduated and i'm not saying thats the reason but graduation day is when i started to notice a difference.

one of the friends. she and i are the ones that are "best friends" i guess is what people call us. the ones that come up will silly nicknames for eachother and that because thats all we call eachother thats the only name people know them by. well she and i evadently arnt that anymore. it wasnt until this last week that i learned of this. i've noticed that things have been weird because she hasnt wanted to hang out with me but she was hanging out with the other two. and i was getting upset and didnt understand because i didnt know i had done something wrong which is what most people feel when that happens.

well as i've talked to her this week. there has evadently been alot left unsaid. and i understand that i make wrongs and i am human and that i make mistakes. but unless i'm told about them then how am i supposed to know so i can try and fix things. well it hurts for this to happen. especially when your faults are the only ones being focused on, because everyone has faults and makes mistakes. but girls will never own up, well let me rephrase that, no one will own up to what they have done they just want to pass it onto someone else so they arnt the one that is being blamed. and it sucks. but i guess the only way for this to end is if i take all the faults and try not to blame anyone else. its hard because the other two friends are against me as well. well i know one of them is for sure because i've talked to her, but i dont know if the other one is but when "we" is used i'm assuming that its true.

it just sucks that my its my faults that are being focused on because we all mess up, and my side isnt being listened to, that because i wasnt told i didnt know there was something that needed to be fixed until now. when our friendship is basically over from the looks of it. i just dont understand how the years of friendships that we all have had will be thrown away just because of my one fault. but i guess that means they arnt really my "best friends" like we all call eachother. i hate drama. but everyone does. and it always seems to be brought upon me, that nothing can ever get right, but i mean its part of Gods plan and its a learning experience. i mean basically it sucks because from the looks of it i'm about to lose three really "good" friends, but i guess there is always a lesson to be learned, and there is always a plan for these things. i guess just pray that i can continue to keep pushing on through this mess of friendships. that i can find the people that are the truest friends, the people that i'm supposed to confide in and really trust. i guess i partially already have, and i'm thankful for that. and i guess just pray for these other girls that they will too realize that we all mess up, and that focusing on my screw ups isnt going to help it. that we must forgive and forget, and move on, and not hold anything against eachother because all that does it make things worse. like they are now. a big pot of worse.

as life flashed before my eyes.

it had gotten rough. rougher than i ever had expected. i was ready to give up, throw in the towel and say i'm done. i was just tired and stressed and couldnt do it anymore. and things kept happening. God kept trying to get my attention but i never would look his way.

two weeks ago i finally got a new car. i though it was all good, finally on the road again by myself, and life got ok. but then God started to get my attention, well he was trying to.

two weeks ago tomorrow one of my best friends got in a car wreck and had to go to the hospital, she just got whip lash, but its still scary. it messed me up kinda to think about her, and watching her go through it. that friday night i found out some intresting news, it was good but bad news in my opinion, and changed my mind about some things. but it wasnt until that monday that i really got messed up.

i was on my way to watch clemson and furman in a baseball game at the drive stadium, i had just picked up on friend and was on my way to go get another. i wasnt even 3 minuets away from my friends house when it happend. i got in a car wreck, and it messed me up good. it was luckally his fault and no one was hurt. but its still the scariest thing i've ever been through and messed me up really bad. i had nightmares for nights and couldnt stop hearing the sounds and flashbacks. i couldnt even get behind the wheel of the car for a couple days. it wasnt a bad accident but it scared me for good. the day after it happened i was up at the church and ran into a very important woman in my life and i look at her with the upmost respect. and she reminded me of my strengh that i could do anything and was able to achieve anything, and that yeah i've had more than my fair share of stuff and so has she but that i am strong enough to get through it. and i have. took the love of people to show me that i can.

wednesday night i got to see my small group girls and seeing them always brings a smile to my face. they just make me happy, but it wasnt until after that i really started seeing God. my friend told me that she had something in her car and wanted to give it to me. the friday before she and i went to hobby lobby and i saw a cross there that i really liked but didnt have enough money to get it. and i told her how i collect crosses but only if i come upon them, i dont go looking for them. well she had bought the cross for me and also wrote me a note. 33 reasons why i love kristie baker. and just reading it reminded me that i am loved and that there is love out there. but it wasnt until the next day that i really got confused. at lunch i'm normally the last one to get to the lunch table, but b/c the people that i sit with are all in the same 4th period and they were held after the bell i got to the table before all of them. when i walked up to the table there was an envelope with my name on it and i got really confused. so i picked it up and turned it over and on the back it said i hope this gift treats you well, and i was really confused at this point. i opened it up and saw a twenty sitting in the envelope and there was another note saying i hope you enjoy this, God loves you. your brother in christ. and thats all it said as people started walking up to the table they started asking questions. i finally looked through the whole envelope and there were 4 more twenties behind that one. there was 100 dollars lying on the table given to me from a stranger. i didnt get it. i didnt understand it. my brain couldnt comprehend it. i dont know how someone could give up 100 dollars to give to me. i was just speachless. God was pouring love down on me when i didnt deserve it.

i mean i'm still trying very hard to get my life stright. its not easy. its a daily choice and i'm still working on it. i will never be perfect. but when i had gotten to my low of lows and wanting to give up God was there to remind me that i am loved. by him and by others. so i guess even though as i hit the other car as he pulled out infront of me and really put my life into perspective God was saying just wait. i have amazing things instore for you. you just have to keep battleing this storm. and one day the skies will clear up.

an empty glass.

i feel like an empty glass. sitting on the side of the sink. being forgotten about and needs to be washed. but because its forgotten about its just sitting there collecting dust and molding.

i feel so empty inside. i feel like a burden on people. i feel that if i say something or want to hang out with them that if they do its just to be nice. i feel that if i'm quite and just dont say anything that i'm not a bother. that people wont mind me sitting there just so i dont look how i feel. but deep inside i feel alone. i almost feel like i should just sit in a corner and be alone. because then i wouldnt bother anyone.

i'm also losing people. my best friend is about to graduate high school. i'm so excited for her. but yet on the inside i'm broken. i feel like i'm gunna be forgotten about and that shes gunna start this whole new life without me. that shes not gunna need me anymore. because signs of that are starting to show. i'm being left out of things. not told things that everyone else knows. i just feel like i'm not wanted or needed anymore. like i'm that empty glass, that i was drunk out of and then just set down and forgotten about. i was used for what i'm good for and then just put down and left.

i feel depressed. softballs over and i have nothing to do with my afternoons. i never see anybody anymore. it feels like the rest of me is missing. i feel incomplete.

i've lost touch with everyone that i used to talk to and hang out with. but i dont know how to fix it. i just feel like that empty forgotten about glass...