wind.

the wind. you can't see it, but you can feel it. you can see the affects of it. it can be hazordous in a storm or yet just cool you off on a hot day. this is just one of the mysteries of life. along with several others. being growing up. as each new day comes you start to learn that life is kinda like the wind. you cant see you life, but you can experience it, and from the choices you make show you the outcomes. they can be as harmful as a storm, or just a light breeze to make it just a little bit better.

i feel like my life has kinda been like the wind lately. that i get along with certian people better because i spend more time with them and they just dont cause drama. meaning my friends on my team. compared to my other friends who just sometimes drive me crazy because of the drama filled lives. i also seem to be continiously falling for a boy. i just cant stop thinking about him. but yet i have the situation with zach going on. and i feel like zach just doenst understand that nothing is going to happen. because i like this other guy and have liked him for a while, and its just not going to stop i dont think. zach just keeps telling me to keep positive and be excited about the future, but i know that it doesnt involve him and he thinks it does. and i've told him over and over. but he just doesnt seem to get it i dont think. but then the other boy. everytime i see him, think about him, talk to him, just hear his name, a smile comes to my face. i just dont understand it sometimes. he just makes everything seem to go away. but i dont think he will ever see me in that way. ever. and its just confusing because he trusts me with things. things only people will share if they really trust the person. and its just difficult. trying to figure it all out.

then on top of it all. my walk with christ. is no where near what it should be. and i feel like it is because i have no one to keep me accountable. because i am hanging out with thoes on my team, they dont exactly give me the influence that i need. but it is much less stressful when i'm hanging out with them. and when i hang out with thoes who are suppose to be keeping me accountable i just dont feel like they are. again, feeling like the wind again. making choices that can either destroy my life or cool it off.

i guess this one is the icing on the cake. i put all of my energy into softball. its just my completion to life. i cant explain it. it just keeps me level headed. but i just feel like im struggeling so much with it. that i work so hard but yet i accomplish things but they are taken from me. right now my batting average is sitting at 0.000 and that pretty much eats away at my everything. i am working so hard, i'm actually getting very solid hits but yet they are still taken away from me because everytime they are cought. and its funny because everyone keeps telling me "its not about the numbers" in some ways its not. but then in other ways it is. i keep hearing it will come around, and you just dont understand how far you have come since last year. i keep hearing all these things but yet i still feeel like i am achieving nothing. but i guess on thing that my friend told me is that i have to keep being confident in myself because eventally everything will fall into place and it will all click. but until that day comes i just dont know how its going to be. i guess it will be like the wind, i know its there but i dont know what its going to do.