to be busy is an understatement.

this week i was so busy its crazy. it was also a very difficult week. my emotions were on a roller coster. with everything that was going on with my mom i jumped off the side of a bridge before looking i guess would be the right term. i found out that a guy was intrested in me and thats what i've been wanting for a while, and to hear that i'm beautiful, and wonderful again just makes a person feel good. well sunday night i stayed on the phone till 1 in the morning with this boy. probably saying things that i shouldnt have said. and sharing too much about myself. i'm not saying i did/said anything wrong. i just opened up too quickly. and monday morning i spend another 2 1/2 hours on the phone with him. it was just nice being wanted. he really wanted to see me on monday but i told him no because i needed to figure out my life and if this is what i really wanted. so i asked him to let me pray about it. and i did pray but not as long as i should have and spent as much time as i should have meditating on this subject. so that night when i talked to him again i told him that i was willing to see where this was gunna go. the next two days i felt like he and i were on different pages. that he was thinking that we were in the soon stages of boyfriend girlfriend and i was thinking ok lets go out on a date to see where this will take us. so tuesday and wednesday i was just very over stressed and worried about it all. and it was literally driving me crazy. and people kept asking me whats going on, because they wanted to know every last detail. well on wednesday night at chruch i ended up talking to one of my d-gorup leaders and she was just asked me a bunch of questions about how i feel about it all. and she told me to follow how i feel. which was talk to him and get him on my same page. well that night i was on the phone with a friend of mine talking to her about it all and i was telling her that i needed to tell him and that i wanted to do it that night but i really didnt wanna do it. and as i was saying this i had a phone call beeping in. it was him. so it pretty much was God just saying you know what do it. so i proceded to tell him how i felt about it all and he understood. and we got off the phone. the rest of the week was just intresting for me figuring out him. b/c i felt as a weight had been lifted i didnt have to worry anymore and it just felt good. but i still just felt really bad about it all. i continued to stay busy with softball through the whole week. and friday rolled around. d-now. such a wonderful weekend. and i had no clue what was going to happen. but of course God does things how he wants to not how you want to. friday night when we went bowling till one in the morning. we bowled next to the junior guys because they wanted to compete to see who was better, but it was never really kept up with. but while bowling i got a suprise out of now where. i had a conversation with jay. miracles do happen. while i was wating to bowl he just came over and asked me how i was doing. i kinda just sat there like what?! and then i answered. it was just small talk but it was good. it was an improvement. it was a step. i was just very happy. that pretty much made my weekend. but yet God had more instore for me. on saturday morning i got a phone call from a number i didnt know while we were in our quiet time/small group. when i listened to the voicemail i screamed for about 10 minutes. the wonderful amanda rogers called me. i couldnt believe it. i finally got in touch with her and i was pretty much the happiest person ever. that night i also wasnt expecting what came. i hadnt talked to zach pretty much after i told him that we needed to work on being friends right now. and he waited till on me so he could give me a hug. it was just nice to know i didnt kill him. my weekend also taught me things other than the invasion. God really taught me about guarding my heart this weekend more than the invasion. which i guess God does things differently for different reasons. i'm just so thankful i have a father that loves me because he loves me. and thats all that really matters.

not so good news.

warning. this note contains bad news. it also contains news that i dont want spread like wild gossip. it also asks for prayer. so just be aware.

i've never felt like this before. i cant get anything to go right in my life. its bad news after bad news after bad thing happens. last night on my way home from practice i called my mom to make sure it was ok if i stll went to dinner with my friend. while still on the phone with her almost to my house she said i need to talk to you about something that has been going on with me. the first thought that went through my head was cancer. but i thought thats not it, it wouldnt happen to me, shes fine she probably just wants to talk to me about keeping up the house, or just finances, or things like that. when she got home the friend that i was going to dinner with pulled in the drive way right after her. my friend came inside and my mom asked her to stay in the kitchen while she and i went and talked in her room. i was scared for my life, my heart started racing, and i couldnt think stright. i had no clue what was comming. she started telling me how back over break she went in for a check up, and had tests run ect. she soon later found out that she was in the early stages of i'm pretty sure cervical cancer. she went in for another test to make sure and when the results came back they were positive. this past thursday she went into surgery to have the cells removed that were there, and the doctor believes that they got it all. and now we're just waiting on results. i just kinda stood there not really knowing what to say or do. my head was racing, do i hug her, do i say i love you, do i just stand here and say ok. i wanted to get out of the room as fast as i could. i didnt know how to handle myself. i was confused, and scared, and again it was another "why me" moment. i went to dinner with my friend to get my mind off of it. when i got home i called my best friends and told them. and soon just started to cry, and cry, and cry. i didnt understand, nor still do. today was a hard day, with it being valentines one, but also in the back of my mind my mom. tonight i went to a friends house for a party. i was fine for a while. but when we started watching a movie i was kinda pushed off by myself to sit. and it really started to hit me, my eyes started to water, and i just couldnt do it. so i sent my friend a text saying i felt so alone in a room crowded with people. and of couse that made him confused. i told him how i was feeling and he said he wanted to pray with me. so we snuck off to the kitchen and we just prayed. and i just cried and cried more. i've never felt this way. i cant figure it out. all i can ask is "why me, why my family" i just cant put the pieces together. i spent 5 hours at the softball field today just to keep my mind off it, working my tail off to get better, and leave my worries behind. because when i step onto that field everything that is bothering me goes away. and all i do is play. its my get away. i guess i'm just at a cross roads in my life and dont know where to turn next. i'm scared for my mom. i cant lose her, shes the only parent i've got. so i guess just pray. pray God will heal her, that he will make her free of this awful thing called cancer. that the doctor did get it all. and that even though theres a 5% chance it can come back. that she will be in that 95%. i just ask you to pray. pray God will heal.

when you've lost all hope

friday was a rough day. one of my teachers got mad at me. i messed up on my pre-cal test and knew exactly what i did wrong. but realized it right after i turned my test in. and then the scout came. i've always known that i'm very hard on myself and if i dont perform to my potential i get really upset with myself and get down on myself more than i should. and thats exactly what happened on friday. i didnt perform to my potential when the scout was watching my friend and i. my friend didnt either. we both felt as if we failed misserably and compleatly ruined our chances at anything. well i knew that i wouldnt get anything out of friday b/c i'm still a junior but i still wanted to atleast make and impression. but that didnt happen (in my opinion). that night the woman called my friend b/c thats the only way shes allowed to communicate with her. my friend told me that she was just ready for criticism and being told your not what i'm looking for b/c of how our performance was on friday. but we were wrong. when the woman called her all she could do was praise her and not understand how she wasnt already taken. and that she wanted to offer a position on their team. when she told me this i broke down into tears. i never in a million years would have thought of that happening. and its a total blessing b/c the only way my friend can attened college is if she goes on a scholarship. and now she can. it was truly mind boggeling when i got the phone call from my friend when she told me the news. we had lost all and complete total hope. but yet in the end God worked just one more miracle.