not so good news.

warning. this note contains bad news. it also contains news that i dont want spread like wild gossip. it also asks for prayer. so just be aware.

i've never felt like this before. i cant get anything to go right in my life. its bad news after bad news after bad thing happens. last night on my way home from practice i called my mom to make sure it was ok if i stll went to dinner with my friend. while still on the phone with her almost to my house she said i need to talk to you about something that has been going on with me. the first thought that went through my head was cancer. but i thought thats not it, it wouldnt happen to me, shes fine she probably just wants to talk to me about keeping up the house, or just finances, or things like that. when she got home the friend that i was going to dinner with pulled in the drive way right after her. my friend came inside and my mom asked her to stay in the kitchen while she and i went and talked in her room. i was scared for my life, my heart started racing, and i couldnt think stright. i had no clue what was comming. she started telling me how back over break she went in for a check up, and had tests run ect. she soon later found out that she was in the early stages of i'm pretty sure cervical cancer. she went in for another test to make sure and when the results came back they were positive. this past thursday she went into surgery to have the cells removed that were there, and the doctor believes that they got it all. and now we're just waiting on results. i just kinda stood there not really knowing what to say or do. my head was racing, do i hug her, do i say i love you, do i just stand here and say ok. i wanted to get out of the room as fast as i could. i didnt know how to handle myself. i was confused, and scared, and again it was another "why me" moment. i went to dinner with my friend to get my mind off of it. when i got home i called my best friends and told them. and soon just started to cry, and cry, and cry. i didnt understand, nor still do. today was a hard day, with it being valentines one, but also in the back of my mind my mom. tonight i went to a friends house for a party. i was fine for a while. but when we started watching a movie i was kinda pushed off by myself to sit. and it really started to hit me, my eyes started to water, and i just couldnt do it. so i sent my friend a text saying i felt so alone in a room crowded with people. and of couse that made him confused. i told him how i was feeling and he said he wanted to pray with me. so we snuck off to the kitchen and we just prayed. and i just cried and cried more. i've never felt this way. i cant figure it out. all i can ask is "why me, why my family" i just cant put the pieces together. i spent 5 hours at the softball field today just to keep my mind off it, working my tail off to get better, and leave my worries behind. because when i step onto that field everything that is bothering me goes away. and all i do is play. its my get away. i guess i'm just at a cross roads in my life and dont know where to turn next. i'm scared for my mom. i cant lose her, shes the only parent i've got. so i guess just pray. pray God will heal her, that he will make her free of this awful thing called cancer. that the doctor did get it all. and that even though theres a 5% chance it can come back. that she will be in that 95%. i just ask you to pray. pray God will heal.