i dont care.

i dont care. i really dont. not at all anymore.

or maybe i do.

ive reacently been saying that line alot. i dont care. i've been saying it for everything. i dont care that i dont love Jesus like i should. i dont care that i'm cussing now and making dumb decisions. i dont care that my body could collapse at any minute. i dont care that i'm not obeying my mom. i dont care that i'm losing friends that matter i still have friends. i just dont care.

in recent weeks i havent done my quiet time. i honestly couldnt tell you the last time i picked up my bible besides for going to church. and i have said i dont care.
i've been throwing all of my energy into softball and not had time to do anything. i say i dont care.
i've hung out with only my softball friends and have lost touch with my friends that i called my best friends. i say i dont care.
i dont call my best friends my best friends anymore, my softball friends have become my best friends. i say i dont care.

this week. spring break. i had planned to go on a mission trip with my chruch but my mom wouldnt let me. i'm kinda thankful that she didnt because my body is very close to shutting down on me. wednesday the 1st. my body did this. i push my body too far than its able to handle. during our game i was getting very light headed but just pused it off like it was nothing and didnt tell my coaches. i told my team mates that i was light headed but that was it. the next inning when i went to bat i watched 6 pitches come stright by me. i couldnt even focus and tell the difference between a ball and a strike. all i knew is that if a ball was comming at me. move. i struck out. as i was walking into the dug out i started to drag and almost fell over. and then my coaches realized i wasnt doing good. i got rags to cool me down and i was taken care of. but i had to keep catching because it was away and i was the only one with equipment. we were up winning the game until the bottom of the 7th inning. they tied us 6-6 and then there was a girl on third i missed a pitch and they scored. ending the game. as i got up i started to cry b/c i knew it was my fault. as i walked into the dug out i started to hypervenalate and was dropping and was passing out. i had to start caring. but i didnt. i had a project that i had to keep working on that night and i told my coach that. but when we got back to the school my mom told me that i wasnt going to school the next day.

i needed to start caring. but i didnt.

spring break came. and i was was looking forward to it. i hung out with softball friends. everyday. which i didnt care. i love hanging out with them. we always have fun. but on thing that i need to care about is their language and their choices. but of couse i didnt. i had tons of fun this week but it wasnt until my friend sent me a text message on friday that i started to care.

i had a feeling that someone was going to ask me how my walk with God was going. but it never happened so i just kept on not caring because i was feeling if God cared about me that much he would send someone to ask that question but he never did. so i kept on not caring. when he finally did, he sent soneone that i didnt expect. my friend sent me a text just asking how my walk with God was going. and i flat out told him that i havent dont anything and that i dont care. and he told me that he was sorry. when he said that it kinda hit me. like woah someone feels sorry for me because i dont care and because im missing out on an opportunity of a lifetime.
i was planning on hanging out with my "old" best friends that night and it just took me for a whirl wind because i told them that i just didnt have fun with them anymore. but when i was planning with them and he asked me that i just had to sit and think for a while. because i just didnt know what to do. so i called someone because i just needed help to sort out my life.

i didnt realize how bad it had gotten until i got this text.

when i finally talked it out and thought i realized that i needed to change. i never want to be the one to change that i always try and show people the ways that they need to change so i dont have to. but this time if i wanted my life to be different. it was my turn to change. and that whyat i've been trying to do. i've slowly tried to pull myself away from my softball friends. even though it only been on day, i didnt hang out with them today like i planned i stayed home to work on my paper. last night i hung out with my "old" best friends and i actually had alot of fun. i still feel distant from them. but hopefully that can change. but it will be hard because i'm so busy all the time with softball. but if its what i want i'm gunna have to figure out how to make time. even though i want to play college ball i'm still going to have to make time for everyone else. i just need to learn how to organize my time. and realize the important things in my life.

so i guess i'm wrong. its not that i dont care. its that

i do care.