to be busy is an understatement.

this week i was so busy its crazy. it was also a very difficult week. my emotions were on a roller coster. with everything that was going on with my mom i jumped off the side of a bridge before looking i guess would be the right term. i found out that a guy was intrested in me and thats what i've been wanting for a while, and to hear that i'm beautiful, and wonderful again just makes a person feel good. well sunday night i stayed on the phone till 1 in the morning with this boy. probably saying things that i shouldnt have said. and sharing too much about myself. i'm not saying i did/said anything wrong. i just opened up too quickly. and monday morning i spend another 2 1/2 hours on the phone with him. it was just nice being wanted. he really wanted to see me on monday but i told him no because i needed to figure out my life and if this is what i really wanted. so i asked him to let me pray about it. and i did pray but not as long as i should have and spent as much time as i should have meditating on this subject. so that night when i talked to him again i told him that i was willing to see where this was gunna go. the next two days i felt like he and i were on different pages. that he was thinking that we were in the soon stages of boyfriend girlfriend and i was thinking ok lets go out on a date to see where this will take us. so tuesday and wednesday i was just very over stressed and worried about it all. and it was literally driving me crazy. and people kept asking me whats going on, because they wanted to know every last detail. well on wednesday night at chruch i ended up talking to one of my d-gorup leaders and she was just asked me a bunch of questions about how i feel about it all. and she told me to follow how i feel. which was talk to him and get him on my same page. well that night i was on the phone with a friend of mine talking to her about it all and i was telling her that i needed to tell him and that i wanted to do it that night but i really didnt wanna do it. and as i was saying this i had a phone call beeping in. it was him. so it pretty much was God just saying you know what do it. so i proceded to tell him how i felt about it all and he understood. and we got off the phone. the rest of the week was just intresting for me figuring out him. b/c i felt as a weight had been lifted i didnt have to worry anymore and it just felt good. but i still just felt really bad about it all. i continued to stay busy with softball through the whole week. and friday rolled around. d-now. such a wonderful weekend. and i had no clue what was going to happen. but of course God does things how he wants to not how you want to. friday night when we went bowling till one in the morning. we bowled next to the junior guys because they wanted to compete to see who was better, but it was never really kept up with. but while bowling i got a suprise out of now where. i had a conversation with jay. miracles do happen. while i was wating to bowl he just came over and asked me how i was doing. i kinda just sat there like what?! and then i answered. it was just small talk but it was good. it was an improvement. it was a step. i was just very happy. that pretty much made my weekend. but yet God had more instore for me. on saturday morning i got a phone call from a number i didnt know while we were in our quiet time/small group. when i listened to the voicemail i screamed for about 10 minutes. the wonderful amanda rogers called me. i couldnt believe it. i finally got in touch with her and i was pretty much the happiest person ever. that night i also wasnt expecting what came. i hadnt talked to zach pretty much after i told him that we needed to work on being friends right now. and he waited till on me so he could give me a hug. it was just nice to know i didnt kill him. my weekend also taught me things other than the invasion. God really taught me about guarding my heart this weekend more than the invasion. which i guess God does things differently for different reasons. i'm just so thankful i have a father that loves me because he loves me. and thats all that really matters.

not so good news.

warning. this note contains bad news. it also contains news that i dont want spread like wild gossip. it also asks for prayer. so just be aware.

i've never felt like this before. i cant get anything to go right in my life. its bad news after bad news after bad thing happens. last night on my way home from practice i called my mom to make sure it was ok if i stll went to dinner with my friend. while still on the phone with her almost to my house she said i need to talk to you about something that has been going on with me. the first thought that went through my head was cancer. but i thought thats not it, it wouldnt happen to me, shes fine she probably just wants to talk to me about keeping up the house, or just finances, or things like that. when she got home the friend that i was going to dinner with pulled in the drive way right after her. my friend came inside and my mom asked her to stay in the kitchen while she and i went and talked in her room. i was scared for my life, my heart started racing, and i couldnt think stright. i had no clue what was comming. she started telling me how back over break she went in for a check up, and had tests run ect. she soon later found out that she was in the early stages of i'm pretty sure cervical cancer. she went in for another test to make sure and when the results came back they were positive. this past thursday she went into surgery to have the cells removed that were there, and the doctor believes that they got it all. and now we're just waiting on results. i just kinda stood there not really knowing what to say or do. my head was racing, do i hug her, do i say i love you, do i just stand here and say ok. i wanted to get out of the room as fast as i could. i didnt know how to handle myself. i was confused, and scared, and again it was another "why me" moment. i went to dinner with my friend to get my mind off of it. when i got home i called my best friends and told them. and soon just started to cry, and cry, and cry. i didnt understand, nor still do. today was a hard day, with it being valentines one, but also in the back of my mind my mom. tonight i went to a friends house for a party. i was fine for a while. but when we started watching a movie i was kinda pushed off by myself to sit. and it really started to hit me, my eyes started to water, and i just couldnt do it. so i sent my friend a text saying i felt so alone in a room crowded with people. and of couse that made him confused. i told him how i was feeling and he said he wanted to pray with me. so we snuck off to the kitchen and we just prayed. and i just cried and cried more. i've never felt this way. i cant figure it out. all i can ask is "why me, why my family" i just cant put the pieces together. i spent 5 hours at the softball field today just to keep my mind off it, working my tail off to get better, and leave my worries behind. because when i step onto that field everything that is bothering me goes away. and all i do is play. its my get away. i guess i'm just at a cross roads in my life and dont know where to turn next. i'm scared for my mom. i cant lose her, shes the only parent i've got. so i guess just pray. pray God will heal her, that he will make her free of this awful thing called cancer. that the doctor did get it all. and that even though theres a 5% chance it can come back. that she will be in that 95%. i just ask you to pray. pray God will heal.

when you've lost all hope

friday was a rough day. one of my teachers got mad at me. i messed up on my pre-cal test and knew exactly what i did wrong. but realized it right after i turned my test in. and then the scout came. i've always known that i'm very hard on myself and if i dont perform to my potential i get really upset with myself and get down on myself more than i should. and thats exactly what happened on friday. i didnt perform to my potential when the scout was watching my friend and i. my friend didnt either. we both felt as if we failed misserably and compleatly ruined our chances at anything. well i knew that i wouldnt get anything out of friday b/c i'm still a junior but i still wanted to atleast make and impression. but that didnt happen (in my opinion). that night the woman called my friend b/c thats the only way shes allowed to communicate with her. my friend told me that she was just ready for criticism and being told your not what i'm looking for b/c of how our performance was on friday. but we were wrong. when the woman called her all she could do was praise her and not understand how she wasnt already taken. and that she wanted to offer a position on their team. when she told me this i broke down into tears. i never in a million years would have thought of that happening. and its a total blessing b/c the only way my friend can attened college is if she goes on a scholarship. and now she can. it was truly mind boggeling when i got the phone call from my friend when she told me the news. we had lost all and complete total hope. but yet in the end God worked just one more miracle.

a view from our lunch table.

i was going to write this in my other post but i felt like its such a different topic that i'd write another post.

today at the lunch table we had a very intresting talk. about how corrupt our world has become. its kinda funny because earlier that day in my spanish class my teacher was talking about how much cluture has changed because our new unit we are starting is on culture. so she was just talking about how something that is was a big deal when she was growing up today is close to nothing compared to what is a big deal today. but as we got to lunch we started talking about how much of an influence people have on you. that when you are not sure of yourself that others can convience you to turn into a person that you dont want to be. and how sadly it is to watch people that you know and love go down that path. and while we were talking about it i just kinda looked around our lunch room and started seeing people and really started to watch them. and i just started to think about what is going on in their heads or what they are struggling with. it really started to pull at my heart that i need to pray for my school. and that i need to be light for my school. that maybe not screaming aroud "love jesus or go to hell" but just watch what i say, or what i do, or how i act in a class, that i'm always being watched just like i watched thoes today. so i guess i just want to challenge you as i am now going to challenge myself to start watching and thinking about what you are doing, that you are always being watched. even when you dont think you are, just like thoes that wern't sitting at my lunch table.

a look into the crystal ball...

the future. its probably the scariest thing i think about. because i have no clue what each day brings. more recently i've been thinking about college. the 7 letter word the average high school junior thinks about. taking the SAT, deciding what you want to major in, where you want to go to school, keeping your grades up. the stress of the average junior. but more recently softball has been playing a huge role of planning for my future. but sometimes i'm just in confusion. i know what i want to do with my life. i want to do graphic design but the factor of where and do i want to play softball play a huge factor. and the factor of if a school offers me to play what am i going to do. i have been talking alot to people about college. i talked to my aunt about a design school up in ohio. and it provides a great opportunity. but if i went there i would be giving up 5 years of my life. having no summer. but when i graduate i would have 2 years of job experience under my belt. i could also attend schools closer to where i live, college of charleston has a strong department in graphic design and so does anderson, which both schools have a softball team. two in one :) but. the stress of it all is really starting to sink in.

but the one thing i continiously take comfort in is that my God has a plan for it all and knows what is going to happen in my life. and last night that was really shown to me. as i am dealing with the stress of the scout comming this week. i really felt like it was ok to ask for prayer. and so i did. and i'm so thankful that i did. i have been truly bathed in it. and its showing. i have been less stressed and just feel ready for this lady comming. and even more a couple friends of mine sent me texts saying the most encouraging things. saying that God has blessed me with this talent and that i can do this and will do it, i also recieved a text from a friend talking about God's peace. and he had no clue what has been going on, and i texted him back and told him how he knew i needed it and all he simply sent back was God did. and right after i read it i fell stright to sleep. i have just felt so much more at peace through this situation after asking for prayer. i look forward to being watched on friday to see where my life will go the paths i will take and the choices i will make. im excited for it.

by his wounds

its just kinda funny how timing comes. one minute you feel one way and the next its a whole other story. When i woke up this morning and laying in bed at ten till six. the lyrics of jermey camps song there will be a day came into my head.

There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place, will be no more, we'll see Jesus face to face
But until that day, we'll hold on to you always

and the really funny thing is when i turned my radio on to listen to while i got ready. that song is the first song i heart. it kinda just reminded me of that God still loves me as i've gone through all these struggles and that there really will be a day with no more tears and no more pain. i'm looking forward to it.

then later at first priority we sang the song by his wounds and the lyrics really hit me b/c of how i've been feeling:

We are healed by Your sacrifice And the life that You gave We are healed for You paid the price By Your grace we are saved We are saved

with all the stuff thats been going on to be reminded that i've been healed is a real comfort to me. i just sometimes dont fathom how lucky i am. and how truly blessed i am. and that really opened my eyes today. releasing me partially from this blur that i'm in.

as i went through out my day i seemed to feel more relaxed and just not much in a fog. and i really started to feel good. like todays gunna be a good day. and it was.

after school i always find myself down at the softball field. for some strange reason. no its actually because i love it. haha ok. well two weeks ago i was informed that there is a scout comming to watch one of my friends. but i was quickly informed that my coach told this woman comming to take a look at me as well just because she can. and when i found out that she was gunna be watching me next friday. all sorts of emotions went through me. excitment. nervousness. hello college is almost here. do i really want to play in college. a full ride with my grades and softball together say what? it really started me thinking about my future. i mean i've thought about it before when people are like hey... so where are you looking at for college.. and i could give a few. but now i have to decide if playing softball in college is what i really want to do. God has blessed me with an amazing ability to be very athletic and fall in love with the game of softball. is it really what he wants for my life? and then more recently i've been catching. our team this year is short of a catcher and when i broke my finger thats all i was able to do was catch our pitcher. but in doing so i started to fall in love with it. its something so powerful i love it. i'm in charge of the field. i can see every player. every step that is taken. every nose picked... haha i just threw that one in for kicks. but sitting behind the plate has handed me control and i like it. and having college thoughts in my head if i can become an outstanding catcher. i can play in college. i can be wanted. i can achieve what most think cant be done. i dont have to ask my parents to pay for my college i can say i did it on my own. (well with God's blessings of couse) but its really got me started thinking if i hadnt broken my finger i wouldnt have started catching. if i wouldnt have started catching then my team wouldnt have a catcher. and even more if i'm a good catcher someone might want me in college i could be good enough. but then it just takes me back to the drawing board. is playing softball in college really what i want to do. i think though honestly i'd miss the too cold practices. the dirt in my hair and under my nails. the bruses. the awesome tan lines i get. and also the family that i get. the 14 other girls that become my sisters. the ones that know how i'm feeling when i walk off the field after a loss or a win. or when we have to run too many sprints to count b/c of errors in a game. i think i'd miss it all too much to say no to. its just a tough decision. but i still have a week before the lady comes. so i guess that means i better get practicing. but i always am anyway.

it just feels good to know i'm in little less of a blur. and i'm starting to figure out who i really am.

to be in a blur

in the last week or so my mind has just been a blur. i've got so much on my mind it all cancles eachother out to become a blur. its hard to describe the feeling of how i've felt. i've started to slack in school. i've become not me. my walk with God has been difficult i finished 1 samuel last week and all i took from the book of 31 chapters is that he took david someone no one believed in and did great things with him. after finishing that book i've had no clue what book to start. and my daily time with God has slowly dwindled down to none. i've also started to long for a relationship with a boy. i mean every girl longs to be told shes beautiful. that shes amazing. that she puts a smile on someones face when shes thought about. to hold his hand. to be able to say yea he's mine and i got a good one. but the struggle is after the last relationship i went through and now that i'm finally healed every boy i talk to i've become intrested in. and then realize what a great friendship i have with him that i dont want to jepordize it. but theres one boy. that i've thought about for a long time. and he and i have been communicating recently. and the hard thing is to continously tell my heart no. you must wait. thats the one thing i hate about being a girl. we have to be the one to wait. but in the end its all the more wonderful. but the waiting part isnt so much. being told i'll text you later or when i get home and then attaching your phone to your hip because you long for that message and are continously telling yourself your not gunna get it just so you dont get your hopes up. thats the hard part. and then the softball field. the place i love. the place where i can let all my worries go. when i'm mad i just hit the junk out of a ball. i'm a blur there too. i cant field. i cant throw. and most of all i've been in a hitting slum. and cant get out of it. i slave in the batting cage stay an hour and a half after practice but yet dont improve since i stepped in. i just cant get out of this fog. and then i'm having friends dealing with situations that i recently just went through and i know how to help them but i just cant because of the blur that i'm in. i just have a cloud in my head. and it wont go away.