as life flashed before my eyes.

it had gotten rough. rougher than i ever had expected. i was ready to give up, throw in the towel and say i'm done. i was just tired and stressed and couldnt do it anymore. and things kept happening. God kept trying to get my attention but i never would look his way.

two weeks ago i finally got a new car. i though it was all good, finally on the road again by myself, and life got ok. but then God started to get my attention, well he was trying to.

two weeks ago tomorrow one of my best friends got in a car wreck and had to go to the hospital, she just got whip lash, but its still scary. it messed me up kinda to think about her, and watching her go through it. that friday night i found out some intresting news, it was good but bad news in my opinion, and changed my mind about some things. but it wasnt until that monday that i really got messed up.

i was on my way to watch clemson and furman in a baseball game at the drive stadium, i had just picked up on friend and was on my way to go get another. i wasnt even 3 minuets away from my friends house when it happend. i got in a car wreck, and it messed me up good. it was luckally his fault and no one was hurt. but its still the scariest thing i've ever been through and messed me up really bad. i had nightmares for nights and couldnt stop hearing the sounds and flashbacks. i couldnt even get behind the wheel of the car for a couple days. it wasnt a bad accident but it scared me for good. the day after it happened i was up at the church and ran into a very important woman in my life and i look at her with the upmost respect. and she reminded me of my strengh that i could do anything and was able to achieve anything, and that yeah i've had more than my fair share of stuff and so has she but that i am strong enough to get through it. and i have. took the love of people to show me that i can.

wednesday night i got to see my small group girls and seeing them always brings a smile to my face. they just make me happy, but it wasnt until after that i really started seeing God. my friend told me that she had something in her car and wanted to give it to me. the friday before she and i went to hobby lobby and i saw a cross there that i really liked but didnt have enough money to get it. and i told her how i collect crosses but only if i come upon them, i dont go looking for them. well she had bought the cross for me and also wrote me a note. 33 reasons why i love kristie baker. and just reading it reminded me that i am loved and that there is love out there. but it wasnt until the next day that i really got confused. at lunch i'm normally the last one to get to the lunch table, but b/c the people that i sit with are all in the same 4th period and they were held after the bell i got to the table before all of them. when i walked up to the table there was an envelope with my name on it and i got really confused. so i picked it up and turned it over and on the back it said i hope this gift treats you well, and i was really confused at this point. i opened it up and saw a twenty sitting in the envelope and there was another note saying i hope you enjoy this, God loves you. your brother in christ. and thats all it said as people started walking up to the table they started asking questions. i finally looked through the whole envelope and there were 4 more twenties behind that one. there was 100 dollars lying on the table given to me from a stranger. i didnt get it. i didnt understand it. my brain couldnt comprehend it. i dont know how someone could give up 100 dollars to give to me. i was just speachless. God was pouring love down on me when i didnt deserve it.

i mean i'm still trying very hard to get my life stright. its not easy. its a daily choice and i'm still working on it. i will never be perfect. but when i had gotten to my low of lows and wanting to give up God was there to remind me that i am loved. by him and by others. so i guess even though as i hit the other car as he pulled out infront of me and really put my life into perspective God was saying just wait. i have amazing things instore for you. you just have to keep battleing this storm. and one day the skies will clear up.

an empty glass.

i feel like an empty glass. sitting on the side of the sink. being forgotten about and needs to be washed. but because its forgotten about its just sitting there collecting dust and molding.

i feel so empty inside. i feel like a burden on people. i feel that if i say something or want to hang out with them that if they do its just to be nice. i feel that if i'm quite and just dont say anything that i'm not a bother. that people wont mind me sitting there just so i dont look how i feel. but deep inside i feel alone. i almost feel like i should just sit in a corner and be alone. because then i wouldnt bother anyone.

i'm also losing people. my best friend is about to graduate high school. i'm so excited for her. but yet on the inside i'm broken. i feel like i'm gunna be forgotten about and that shes gunna start this whole new life without me. that shes not gunna need me anymore. because signs of that are starting to show. i'm being left out of things. not told things that everyone else knows. i just feel like i'm not wanted or needed anymore. like i'm that empty glass, that i was drunk out of and then just set down and forgotten about. i was used for what i'm good for and then just put down and left.

i feel depressed. softballs over and i have nothing to do with my afternoons. i never see anybody anymore. it feels like the rest of me is missing. i feel incomplete.

i've lost touch with everyone that i used to talk to and hang out with. but i dont know how to fix it. i just feel like that empty forgotten about glass...

i dont care.

i dont care. i really dont. not at all anymore.

or maybe i do.

ive reacently been saying that line alot. i dont care. i've been saying it for everything. i dont care that i dont love Jesus like i should. i dont care that i'm cussing now and making dumb decisions. i dont care that my body could collapse at any minute. i dont care that i'm not obeying my mom. i dont care that i'm losing friends that matter i still have friends. i just dont care.

in recent weeks i havent done my quiet time. i honestly couldnt tell you the last time i picked up my bible besides for going to church. and i have said i dont care.
i've been throwing all of my energy into softball and not had time to do anything. i say i dont care.
i've hung out with only my softball friends and have lost touch with my friends that i called my best friends. i say i dont care.
i dont call my best friends my best friends anymore, my softball friends have become my best friends. i say i dont care.

this week. spring break. i had planned to go on a mission trip with my chruch but my mom wouldnt let me. i'm kinda thankful that she didnt because my body is very close to shutting down on me. wednesday the 1st. my body did this. i push my body too far than its able to handle. during our game i was getting very light headed but just pused it off like it was nothing and didnt tell my coaches. i told my team mates that i was light headed but that was it. the next inning when i went to bat i watched 6 pitches come stright by me. i couldnt even focus and tell the difference between a ball and a strike. all i knew is that if a ball was comming at me. move. i struck out. as i was walking into the dug out i started to drag and almost fell over. and then my coaches realized i wasnt doing good. i got rags to cool me down and i was taken care of. but i had to keep catching because it was away and i was the only one with equipment. we were up winning the game until the bottom of the 7th inning. they tied us 6-6 and then there was a girl on third i missed a pitch and they scored. ending the game. as i got up i started to cry b/c i knew it was my fault. as i walked into the dug out i started to hypervenalate and was dropping and was passing out. i had to start caring. but i didnt. i had a project that i had to keep working on that night and i told my coach that. but when we got back to the school my mom told me that i wasnt going to school the next day.

i needed to start caring. but i didnt.

spring break came. and i was was looking forward to it. i hung out with softball friends. everyday. which i didnt care. i love hanging out with them. we always have fun. but on thing that i need to care about is their language and their choices. but of couse i didnt. i had tons of fun this week but it wasnt until my friend sent me a text message on friday that i started to care.

i had a feeling that someone was going to ask me how my walk with God was going. but it never happened so i just kept on not caring because i was feeling if God cared about me that much he would send someone to ask that question but he never did. so i kept on not caring. when he finally did, he sent soneone that i didnt expect. my friend sent me a text just asking how my walk with God was going. and i flat out told him that i havent dont anything and that i dont care. and he told me that he was sorry. when he said that it kinda hit me. like woah someone feels sorry for me because i dont care and because im missing out on an opportunity of a lifetime.
i was planning on hanging out with my "old" best friends that night and it just took me for a whirl wind because i told them that i just didnt have fun with them anymore. but when i was planning with them and he asked me that i just had to sit and think for a while. because i just didnt know what to do. so i called someone because i just needed help to sort out my life.

i didnt realize how bad it had gotten until i got this text.

when i finally talked it out and thought i realized that i needed to change. i never want to be the one to change that i always try and show people the ways that they need to change so i dont have to. but this time if i wanted my life to be different. it was my turn to change. and that whyat i've been trying to do. i've slowly tried to pull myself away from my softball friends. even though it only been on day, i didnt hang out with them today like i planned i stayed home to work on my paper. last night i hung out with my "old" best friends and i actually had alot of fun. i still feel distant from them. but hopefully that can change. but it will be hard because i'm so busy all the time with softball. but if its what i want i'm gunna have to figure out how to make time. even though i want to play college ball i'm still going to have to make time for everyone else. i just need to learn how to organize my time. and realize the important things in my life.

so i guess i'm wrong. its not that i dont care. its that

i do care.

wind.

the wind. you can't see it, but you can feel it. you can see the affects of it. it can be hazordous in a storm or yet just cool you off on a hot day. this is just one of the mysteries of life. along with several others. being growing up. as each new day comes you start to learn that life is kinda like the wind. you cant see you life, but you can experience it, and from the choices you make show you the outcomes. they can be as harmful as a storm, or just a light breeze to make it just a little bit better.

i feel like my life has kinda been like the wind lately. that i get along with certian people better because i spend more time with them and they just dont cause drama. meaning my friends on my team. compared to my other friends who just sometimes drive me crazy because of the drama filled lives. i also seem to be continiously falling for a boy. i just cant stop thinking about him. but yet i have the situation with zach going on. and i feel like zach just doenst understand that nothing is going to happen. because i like this other guy and have liked him for a while, and its just not going to stop i dont think. zach just keeps telling me to keep positive and be excited about the future, but i know that it doesnt involve him and he thinks it does. and i've told him over and over. but he just doesnt seem to get it i dont think. but then the other boy. everytime i see him, think about him, talk to him, just hear his name, a smile comes to my face. i just dont understand it sometimes. he just makes everything seem to go away. but i dont think he will ever see me in that way. ever. and its just confusing because he trusts me with things. things only people will share if they really trust the person. and its just difficult. trying to figure it all out.

then on top of it all. my walk with christ. is no where near what it should be. and i feel like it is because i have no one to keep me accountable. because i am hanging out with thoes on my team, they dont exactly give me the influence that i need. but it is much less stressful when i'm hanging out with them. and when i hang out with thoes who are suppose to be keeping me accountable i just dont feel like they are. again, feeling like the wind again. making choices that can either destroy my life or cool it off.

i guess this one is the icing on the cake. i put all of my energy into softball. its just my completion to life. i cant explain it. it just keeps me level headed. but i just feel like im struggeling so much with it. that i work so hard but yet i accomplish things but they are taken from me. right now my batting average is sitting at 0.000 and that pretty much eats away at my everything. i am working so hard, i'm actually getting very solid hits but yet they are still taken away from me because everytime they are cought. and its funny because everyone keeps telling me "its not about the numbers" in some ways its not. but then in other ways it is. i keep hearing it will come around, and you just dont understand how far you have come since last year. i keep hearing all these things but yet i still feeel like i am achieving nothing. but i guess on thing that my friend told me is that i have to keep being confident in myself because eventally everything will fall into place and it will all click. but until that day comes i just dont know how its going to be. i guess it will be like the wind, i know its there but i dont know what its going to do.

For he knows my plans...

i guess that my life never stops. i'm always busy and to title every one of these having to do with finding time and being busy would just be retarted. so anyway. Finding time for God in my busy schduel is difficult. and i hate it.

but on the other hand i just dont undertand it. well i guess none of us ever will. i just dont understand that when we run the other way from him. he still blesses us. that this whole past week. i went without a devotion. and yet we still won both of our games, he blessed me with great friends that decorated the locker room for my birthday and suprised me with it.

the only thing thats really been difficult in my life recently is guys. theres one that is after me i guess you could put it. hes a real nice guy. but theres a thing with him. i know he loves jesus, but i want it to be evadent in the guy that i dates life. i want to see it all out whole heartedly. and i just dont see it in him. its confusing. that hes in my life. but its not exactly what i want. so i'm not sure if hes the one in Gods plan for me right now, or not. because there are definatly others that i know that i would say yes to in a heart beat because i see jesus living in them. one especially that i've known for a while. and am pretty good friends with. but i guess. just because its what i want. doesnt mean its what God wants. i just wish sometimes. that would happen. like you could write what you want. but in the end Gods plan is better. its just hard to see and i really honestly dont understand why this guy was brough into my life. i mean i'm gunna go to prom with him but other than that.. i dont want to be anything more. but some of the other guys i would in a heart beat.

sometimes i just wish i could see into the future and know his plan. but i guess i cant do that. because hes the on that knows my plan. not me.

to be busy is an understatement.

this week i was so busy its crazy. it was also a very difficult week. my emotions were on a roller coster. with everything that was going on with my mom i jumped off the side of a bridge before looking i guess would be the right term. i found out that a guy was intrested in me and thats what i've been wanting for a while, and to hear that i'm beautiful, and wonderful again just makes a person feel good. well sunday night i stayed on the phone till 1 in the morning with this boy. probably saying things that i shouldnt have said. and sharing too much about myself. i'm not saying i did/said anything wrong. i just opened up too quickly. and monday morning i spend another 2 1/2 hours on the phone with him. it was just nice being wanted. he really wanted to see me on monday but i told him no because i needed to figure out my life and if this is what i really wanted. so i asked him to let me pray about it. and i did pray but not as long as i should have and spent as much time as i should have meditating on this subject. so that night when i talked to him again i told him that i was willing to see where this was gunna go. the next two days i felt like he and i were on different pages. that he was thinking that we were in the soon stages of boyfriend girlfriend and i was thinking ok lets go out on a date to see where this will take us. so tuesday and wednesday i was just very over stressed and worried about it all. and it was literally driving me crazy. and people kept asking me whats going on, because they wanted to know every last detail. well on wednesday night at chruch i ended up talking to one of my d-gorup leaders and she was just asked me a bunch of questions about how i feel about it all. and she told me to follow how i feel. which was talk to him and get him on my same page. well that night i was on the phone with a friend of mine talking to her about it all and i was telling her that i needed to tell him and that i wanted to do it that night but i really didnt wanna do it. and as i was saying this i had a phone call beeping in. it was him. so it pretty much was God just saying you know what do it. so i proceded to tell him how i felt about it all and he understood. and we got off the phone. the rest of the week was just intresting for me figuring out him. b/c i felt as a weight had been lifted i didnt have to worry anymore and it just felt good. but i still just felt really bad about it all. i continued to stay busy with softball through the whole week. and friday rolled around. d-now. such a wonderful weekend. and i had no clue what was going to happen. but of course God does things how he wants to not how you want to. friday night when we went bowling till one in the morning. we bowled next to the junior guys because they wanted to compete to see who was better, but it was never really kept up with. but while bowling i got a suprise out of now where. i had a conversation with jay. miracles do happen. while i was wating to bowl he just came over and asked me how i was doing. i kinda just sat there like what?! and then i answered. it was just small talk but it was good. it was an improvement. it was a step. i was just very happy. that pretty much made my weekend. but yet God had more instore for me. on saturday morning i got a phone call from a number i didnt know while we were in our quiet time/small group. when i listened to the voicemail i screamed for about 10 minutes. the wonderful amanda rogers called me. i couldnt believe it. i finally got in touch with her and i was pretty much the happiest person ever. that night i also wasnt expecting what came. i hadnt talked to zach pretty much after i told him that we needed to work on being friends right now. and he waited till on me so he could give me a hug. it was just nice to know i didnt kill him. my weekend also taught me things other than the invasion. God really taught me about guarding my heart this weekend more than the invasion. which i guess God does things differently for different reasons. i'm just so thankful i have a father that loves me because he loves me. and thats all that really matters.

not so good news.

warning. this note contains bad news. it also contains news that i dont want spread like wild gossip. it also asks for prayer. so just be aware.

i've never felt like this before. i cant get anything to go right in my life. its bad news after bad news after bad thing happens. last night on my way home from practice i called my mom to make sure it was ok if i stll went to dinner with my friend. while still on the phone with her almost to my house she said i need to talk to you about something that has been going on with me. the first thought that went through my head was cancer. but i thought thats not it, it wouldnt happen to me, shes fine she probably just wants to talk to me about keeping up the house, or just finances, or things like that. when she got home the friend that i was going to dinner with pulled in the drive way right after her. my friend came inside and my mom asked her to stay in the kitchen while she and i went and talked in her room. i was scared for my life, my heart started racing, and i couldnt think stright. i had no clue what was comming. she started telling me how back over break she went in for a check up, and had tests run ect. she soon later found out that she was in the early stages of i'm pretty sure cervical cancer. she went in for another test to make sure and when the results came back they were positive. this past thursday she went into surgery to have the cells removed that were there, and the doctor believes that they got it all. and now we're just waiting on results. i just kinda stood there not really knowing what to say or do. my head was racing, do i hug her, do i say i love you, do i just stand here and say ok. i wanted to get out of the room as fast as i could. i didnt know how to handle myself. i was confused, and scared, and again it was another "why me" moment. i went to dinner with my friend to get my mind off of it. when i got home i called my best friends and told them. and soon just started to cry, and cry, and cry. i didnt understand, nor still do. today was a hard day, with it being valentines one, but also in the back of my mind my mom. tonight i went to a friends house for a party. i was fine for a while. but when we started watching a movie i was kinda pushed off by myself to sit. and it really started to hit me, my eyes started to water, and i just couldnt do it. so i sent my friend a text saying i felt so alone in a room crowded with people. and of couse that made him confused. i told him how i was feeling and he said he wanted to pray with me. so we snuck off to the kitchen and we just prayed. and i just cried and cried more. i've never felt this way. i cant figure it out. all i can ask is "why me, why my family" i just cant put the pieces together. i spent 5 hours at the softball field today just to keep my mind off it, working my tail off to get better, and leave my worries behind. because when i step onto that field everything that is bothering me goes away. and all i do is play. its my get away. i guess i'm just at a cross roads in my life and dont know where to turn next. i'm scared for my mom. i cant lose her, shes the only parent i've got. so i guess just pray. pray God will heal her, that he will make her free of this awful thing called cancer. that the doctor did get it all. and that even though theres a 5% chance it can come back. that she will be in that 95%. i just ask you to pray. pray God will heal.