a mess.

i know its been a long time since i've britten and i dont really know where to begin. my life is a mess and thats the best way to descibe it. i'm alone and really tired of just having one friend. i want to restore friendships. i want to laugh and smile again. i want to feel like i'm worth being here again. i'm tired of my life just being softball and school. i want my friends back. i'm tired of being accused of things. i hate being ok with sitting alone and feeling like an outcast. i'm tired of not desiring God. i'm tired of not having loving relationships. i want that joyful spirit i used to have back. i'm tired of wishing my life away to get away from everything i'm dealing with. i want everything to be ok. i want to enjoy my senior year. i want it to be the best years of my life like everyone says they are. i want my old friends back, or atleast friends. i want happiness back. i just want me back.

when God picks you.

for the last two months i've been going crazy and havent sat down to write... i really should have though. i've been pulled into so many directions faced with challenges and been told things i really dont want to hear. its been stressful, but yet its been calm. life is life.

but more recently it hasnt been what i was expecting. i wanted senior year to be different. its my last year to make a difference in my home that i call eastside before i grow up and become and adult. and you know what. thats what God is deciding to do.

last week was a load i guess is the best way you could put it.

as pretty much all you know i've lead a middle school small group for the last year and have absoluty loved it. so i was going to lead one again this year. but this year my heart hasnt been in it like it was last year. but i still said i would do it anyway....

last week though i had coffee with someone and we really started to talk about the things that have been going on in my life. leading a small group being one of them. and as we started to talk i started to realized that leading this year wasnt for me. that God has other things in store for me. i am a captain on my softball team this year and as a captain i have A LOT of responsibility... from leading the team in good examples to making sweatshirt decisions... and as i've thought about it i feel that being captain this year is supposed to be my focus and start to say no to things. meaning i say no to leading a small group this year. which was probably one of the hardest things for me to do ever. but after talking with chris and just how my feelings are i know its what i am supposed to do.

when you think nothing more can happen. your wrong. always wrong. i have had a tug at my heart about someone since probably school started and i havent shared to anyone about it. its a person that i dont exactly talk to or associate with. but this year i have a class with him. so thursday night at our football game it really started to tug at my heart as i shared with a friend how i was feeling. as i watched him out on the football field it really started to hit me that i do need to talk to him. and so as i watched the miracle of a game we played come to a close i told God i was willing to do it. so the next day i had my opportunity to talk to him. and i didnt take it. and for the past two days at school i feel like i havent had an opportunity to talk to him again yet. i dont know what to talk to him about or what to say or how to do this at all. but if this is what i'm supposed to do God will provide.

when i finally thought that was it. again i was wrong. as of sunday night i have now been challenged to get jay to do something. yayyyyy haha... no. i havent talked/seen that boy since easter. so how the heck am i supposed to talk to him. i have no clue. so that task is still in the process and trying to figure it out.

so i guess right now i'm just trying to figure out how to follow what God has asked me to do, because its difficult. more difficult than imaginable. and i want this year to be one i remember, one that i will look back on and say i did what i was supposed to do, not wish i could go back and fix it.

a secret.

i guess this is probably considered my "deepest darkest secret" or i guess one of them but i guess i just need to write about it... but if you know me you've probably already figured it out, or i've told you.

i absolutly 100% am afraid to trust... so in doing that i have turned into someone a whole lot different.

and its shocking that i'm sharing this in my opinion because i think it means i trust you knowing this but then again i just dont know. but not being able to trust has turned me into a person that is fearful and will just run from things. i am willing to not have any friends because of it. i feel that i just bother people when i say hey to them of if i text them that every time i text them they think gosh wont she just leave me alone andi feel that they are just my friend because they feel sorry for me. i feel left out the majority of the time, just from losing friends recently i've felt that more. because i have lost friends meaning i have less people that want me around meaning i was a bother to them, and because i was a bother to them i was left out. and now when i'm with other of my very few friends that i have now, they share things that i dont know. i mean i dont exactly mind not being told things but if your gunna tell things dont exactly be like hey i want to talk to you about something when no one else is around. because i thought i was your friend so i'm not allowed to know. making me feel worthless and useless. and then when i have to go on trips dont plan what you going to do while i'm gone right infront of me. it makes me feel empty and useless and it makes me feel like you want to have a really fun time and want to rub it in my face. i dont really care exactly what you do while i'm gone it just makes me feel kinda... well not kinda.. i just feel alone. coming back to my point sometimes i feel that i just shouldnt have friends and walk around being one of thoes kids thats made fun of because she doesnt have friends. i sometimes feel that would be eaiser than trusting someone, and being lied to for however long. i just feel that it would be easier to walk through life knowing i'm alone. then being alone and not knowing it. by having fake relationships. i dont know. i guess i just struggle from all this because of my dad.

my dad left me at a very young age. well actually he started leaving when i was born... i guess this is just my secret blog out of the world to see, my dad didnt want a second child, so always floating in the back of my head from the get go i wasnt wanted. i guess thats why i struggle with this so much. is because of what my dad has done to me. and so i walk through life just thinking people care about me and are my "friend" when really its all just an act.

i guess i just have an extreme problem of feeling loved. because its never really been shown to me ever. because my dad left me when i was born pretty much... and my relationships with guys all have just not been good.

i guess to conclude this i guess to sum it all up. i guess it really all just comes down to is i just have alot of problems. i guess my main one i just to feel loved by some kinda of male figure because of what has happened in my life. and i mean i'm doing a biblestudy on worth. but i just dont see anykind of worth in me because from what i've experienced not many people see me as worthy. i mean i guess like i said it just comes down to i just have problems. and i need some kind of way to figure it all out. but i honestly dont know if i will.

i'm not exaclty sure why i've just shared all this. but i did for some strange reason.

ps. in reading this i dont want you to feel sorry for me. because thats the last thing i need or really want to be felt for. i'm not exactly sure how you should feel but i guess i just dont want you to feel sorry for me because eventually, hopefully i will fight through this. i mean i guess you can feel sorry for me if thats truly how you feel. i honestly just dont want to know about it because it will just make me feel... i'm not exactly sure how to describe how it will make me feel. but i really just guess i dont want to know. (i'm sorry if that comes across rude i dont mean it to)

wrong friends.

i guess this continues on from my last blog about friends. except this one will probably be short and sweet.

as i sat at starbucks last night with a true friend... i got a text from one of the "friends" saying we needed to work it out. so i told her if thats what she really wanted. so i guess i decided i would hear her out. but in doing that i figured out what she really wanted. she wanted to put me down like the other two already had. and honestly after hearing what she wanted to say to me. i was done. i kept telling my friend "i dont owe them anything" which i really dont. if what they are saying about me is truly how they feel about me then why would they want to work things wout with someone that they thing is a five letter word or other things along that line. as i started to meditate over that text it really started to hit me that these people are not what i thought they were. and i understand people change because according to them i have, but i have because of them. and as i look back on it i've changed for the worse. because i started doing and saying things that were'nt right, and i started blowing off TRUE friends. but as i sat there at starbucks it really all started to click. it just really sucks because i put my heart and soul into thoes friendships.

because thats just what kind of person i am. i put my heart and soul into things. but as i've learned from this doing that isnt always the smartest thing because other people that you think will do the same wont. something my mom told me last night after i finally decided to end it with them was that if you put 100% in you will always get 100% hurt. and that is true. if things turn out for the worse then you will lose what you put into it. but another thing i will remember is that they kept telling me that this is my time. right now i'm at the point in my life of being able to chase after something most just dream of. but in doing so i must give up alot, and thats one of the things thoes girls didnt understand. but right now i choose to follow after my dream and do whatever it takes to get there, and i know that there are really people out there that want the same for me even if that means i see them less, that they are still behind me following my dream. i guess losing these three friends is the right thing for me to do right now, that even though im losing 3 years of friendship with two of them and then probably about 8 or 9 years with the other one that this is the right thing for me right now to follow after my dream.

friends.

how do you know what a true friend looks like. with all honesty you dont know what one looks like. you just hope that the person you are building a relationship with will put in the same kind of effort that you are putting into it.

well i've have a group of three other girls and myself that i have been good friends with for a good long while. we were thoes girls that were always together. but since school got out. its been a diffeent story. well two of them graduated and i'm not saying thats the reason but graduation day is when i started to notice a difference.

one of the friends. she and i are the ones that are "best friends" i guess is what people call us. the ones that come up will silly nicknames for eachother and that because thats all we call eachother thats the only name people know them by. well she and i evadently arnt that anymore. it wasnt until this last week that i learned of this. i've noticed that things have been weird because she hasnt wanted to hang out with me but she was hanging out with the other two. and i was getting upset and didnt understand because i didnt know i had done something wrong which is what most people feel when that happens.

well as i've talked to her this week. there has evadently been alot left unsaid. and i understand that i make wrongs and i am human and that i make mistakes. but unless i'm told about them then how am i supposed to know so i can try and fix things. well it hurts for this to happen. especially when your faults are the only ones being focused on, because everyone has faults and makes mistakes. but girls will never own up, well let me rephrase that, no one will own up to what they have done they just want to pass it onto someone else so they arnt the one that is being blamed. and it sucks. but i guess the only way for this to end is if i take all the faults and try not to blame anyone else. its hard because the other two friends are against me as well. well i know one of them is for sure because i've talked to her, but i dont know if the other one is but when "we" is used i'm assuming that its true.

it just sucks that my its my faults that are being focused on because we all mess up, and my side isnt being listened to, that because i wasnt told i didnt know there was something that needed to be fixed until now. when our friendship is basically over from the looks of it. i just dont understand how the years of friendships that we all have had will be thrown away just because of my one fault. but i guess that means they arnt really my "best friends" like we all call eachother. i hate drama. but everyone does. and it always seems to be brought upon me, that nothing can ever get right, but i mean its part of Gods plan and its a learning experience. i mean basically it sucks because from the looks of it i'm about to lose three really "good" friends, but i guess there is always a lesson to be learned, and there is always a plan for these things. i guess just pray that i can continue to keep pushing on through this mess of friendships. that i can find the people that are the truest friends, the people that i'm supposed to confide in and really trust. i guess i partially already have, and i'm thankful for that. and i guess just pray for these other girls that they will too realize that we all mess up, and that focusing on my screw ups isnt going to help it. that we must forgive and forget, and move on, and not hold anything against eachother because all that does it make things worse. like they are now. a big pot of worse.

as life flashed before my eyes.

it had gotten rough. rougher than i ever had expected. i was ready to give up, throw in the towel and say i'm done. i was just tired and stressed and couldnt do it anymore. and things kept happening. God kept trying to get my attention but i never would look his way.

two weeks ago i finally got a new car. i though it was all good, finally on the road again by myself, and life got ok. but then God started to get my attention, well he was trying to.

two weeks ago tomorrow one of my best friends got in a car wreck and had to go to the hospital, she just got whip lash, but its still scary. it messed me up kinda to think about her, and watching her go through it. that friday night i found out some intresting news, it was good but bad news in my opinion, and changed my mind about some things. but it wasnt until that monday that i really got messed up.

i was on my way to watch clemson and furman in a baseball game at the drive stadium, i had just picked up on friend and was on my way to go get another. i wasnt even 3 minuets away from my friends house when it happend. i got in a car wreck, and it messed me up good. it was luckally his fault and no one was hurt. but its still the scariest thing i've ever been through and messed me up really bad. i had nightmares for nights and couldnt stop hearing the sounds and flashbacks. i couldnt even get behind the wheel of the car for a couple days. it wasnt a bad accident but it scared me for good. the day after it happened i was up at the church and ran into a very important woman in my life and i look at her with the upmost respect. and she reminded me of my strengh that i could do anything and was able to achieve anything, and that yeah i've had more than my fair share of stuff and so has she but that i am strong enough to get through it. and i have. took the love of people to show me that i can.

wednesday night i got to see my small group girls and seeing them always brings a smile to my face. they just make me happy, but it wasnt until after that i really started seeing God. my friend told me that she had something in her car and wanted to give it to me. the friday before she and i went to hobby lobby and i saw a cross there that i really liked but didnt have enough money to get it. and i told her how i collect crosses but only if i come upon them, i dont go looking for them. well she had bought the cross for me and also wrote me a note. 33 reasons why i love kristie baker. and just reading it reminded me that i am loved and that there is love out there. but it wasnt until the next day that i really got confused. at lunch i'm normally the last one to get to the lunch table, but b/c the people that i sit with are all in the same 4th period and they were held after the bell i got to the table before all of them. when i walked up to the table there was an envelope with my name on it and i got really confused. so i picked it up and turned it over and on the back it said i hope this gift treats you well, and i was really confused at this point. i opened it up and saw a twenty sitting in the envelope and there was another note saying i hope you enjoy this, God loves you. your brother in christ. and thats all it said as people started walking up to the table they started asking questions. i finally looked through the whole envelope and there were 4 more twenties behind that one. there was 100 dollars lying on the table given to me from a stranger. i didnt get it. i didnt understand it. my brain couldnt comprehend it. i dont know how someone could give up 100 dollars to give to me. i was just speachless. God was pouring love down on me when i didnt deserve it.

i mean i'm still trying very hard to get my life stright. its not easy. its a daily choice and i'm still working on it. i will never be perfect. but when i had gotten to my low of lows and wanting to give up God was there to remind me that i am loved. by him and by others. so i guess even though as i hit the other car as he pulled out infront of me and really put my life into perspective God was saying just wait. i have amazing things instore for you. you just have to keep battleing this storm. and one day the skies will clear up.

an empty glass.

i feel like an empty glass. sitting on the side of the sink. being forgotten about and needs to be washed. but because its forgotten about its just sitting there collecting dust and molding.

i feel so empty inside. i feel like a burden on people. i feel that if i say something or want to hang out with them that if they do its just to be nice. i feel that if i'm quite and just dont say anything that i'm not a bother. that people wont mind me sitting there just so i dont look how i feel. but deep inside i feel alone. i almost feel like i should just sit in a corner and be alone. because then i wouldnt bother anyone.

i'm also losing people. my best friend is about to graduate high school. i'm so excited for her. but yet on the inside i'm broken. i feel like i'm gunna be forgotten about and that shes gunna start this whole new life without me. that shes not gunna need me anymore. because signs of that are starting to show. i'm being left out of things. not told things that everyone else knows. i just feel like i'm not wanted or needed anymore. like i'm that empty glass, that i was drunk out of and then just set down and forgotten about. i was used for what i'm good for and then just put down and left.

i feel depressed. softballs over and i have nothing to do with my afternoons. i never see anybody anymore. it feels like the rest of me is missing. i feel incomplete.

i've lost touch with everyone that i used to talk to and hang out with. but i dont know how to fix it. i just feel like that empty forgotten about glass...

i dont care.

i dont care. i really dont. not at all anymore.

or maybe i do.

ive reacently been saying that line alot. i dont care. i've been saying it for everything. i dont care that i dont love Jesus like i should. i dont care that i'm cussing now and making dumb decisions. i dont care that my body could collapse at any minute. i dont care that i'm not obeying my mom. i dont care that i'm losing friends that matter i still have friends. i just dont care.

in recent weeks i havent done my quiet time. i honestly couldnt tell you the last time i picked up my bible besides for going to church. and i have said i dont care.
i've been throwing all of my energy into softball and not had time to do anything. i say i dont care.
i've hung out with only my softball friends and have lost touch with my friends that i called my best friends. i say i dont care.
i dont call my best friends my best friends anymore, my softball friends have become my best friends. i say i dont care.

this week. spring break. i had planned to go on a mission trip with my chruch but my mom wouldnt let me. i'm kinda thankful that she didnt because my body is very close to shutting down on me. wednesday the 1st. my body did this. i push my body too far than its able to handle. during our game i was getting very light headed but just pused it off like it was nothing and didnt tell my coaches. i told my team mates that i was light headed but that was it. the next inning when i went to bat i watched 6 pitches come stright by me. i couldnt even focus and tell the difference between a ball and a strike. all i knew is that if a ball was comming at me. move. i struck out. as i was walking into the dug out i started to drag and almost fell over. and then my coaches realized i wasnt doing good. i got rags to cool me down and i was taken care of. but i had to keep catching because it was away and i was the only one with equipment. we were up winning the game until the bottom of the 7th inning. they tied us 6-6 and then there was a girl on third i missed a pitch and they scored. ending the game. as i got up i started to cry b/c i knew it was my fault. as i walked into the dug out i started to hypervenalate and was dropping and was passing out. i had to start caring. but i didnt. i had a project that i had to keep working on that night and i told my coach that. but when we got back to the school my mom told me that i wasnt going to school the next day.

i needed to start caring. but i didnt.

spring break came. and i was was looking forward to it. i hung out with softball friends. everyday. which i didnt care. i love hanging out with them. we always have fun. but on thing that i need to care about is their language and their choices. but of couse i didnt. i had tons of fun this week but it wasnt until my friend sent me a text message on friday that i started to care.

i had a feeling that someone was going to ask me how my walk with God was going. but it never happened so i just kept on not caring because i was feeling if God cared about me that much he would send someone to ask that question but he never did. so i kept on not caring. when he finally did, he sent soneone that i didnt expect. my friend sent me a text just asking how my walk with God was going. and i flat out told him that i havent dont anything and that i dont care. and he told me that he was sorry. when he said that it kinda hit me. like woah someone feels sorry for me because i dont care and because im missing out on an opportunity of a lifetime.
i was planning on hanging out with my "old" best friends that night and it just took me for a whirl wind because i told them that i just didnt have fun with them anymore. but when i was planning with them and he asked me that i just had to sit and think for a while. because i just didnt know what to do. so i called someone because i just needed help to sort out my life.

i didnt realize how bad it had gotten until i got this text.

when i finally talked it out and thought i realized that i needed to change. i never want to be the one to change that i always try and show people the ways that they need to change so i dont have to. but this time if i wanted my life to be different. it was my turn to change. and that whyat i've been trying to do. i've slowly tried to pull myself away from my softball friends. even though it only been on day, i didnt hang out with them today like i planned i stayed home to work on my paper. last night i hung out with my "old" best friends and i actually had alot of fun. i still feel distant from them. but hopefully that can change. but it will be hard because i'm so busy all the time with softball. but if its what i want i'm gunna have to figure out how to make time. even though i want to play college ball i'm still going to have to make time for everyone else. i just need to learn how to organize my time. and realize the important things in my life.

so i guess i'm wrong. its not that i dont care. its that

i do care.

wind.

the wind. you can't see it, but you can feel it. you can see the affects of it. it can be hazordous in a storm or yet just cool you off on a hot day. this is just one of the mysteries of life. along with several others. being growing up. as each new day comes you start to learn that life is kinda like the wind. you cant see you life, but you can experience it, and from the choices you make show you the outcomes. they can be as harmful as a storm, or just a light breeze to make it just a little bit better.

i feel like my life has kinda been like the wind lately. that i get along with certian people better because i spend more time with them and they just dont cause drama. meaning my friends on my team. compared to my other friends who just sometimes drive me crazy because of the drama filled lives. i also seem to be continiously falling for a boy. i just cant stop thinking about him. but yet i have the situation with zach going on. and i feel like zach just doenst understand that nothing is going to happen. because i like this other guy and have liked him for a while, and its just not going to stop i dont think. zach just keeps telling me to keep positive and be excited about the future, but i know that it doesnt involve him and he thinks it does. and i've told him over and over. but he just doesnt seem to get it i dont think. but then the other boy. everytime i see him, think about him, talk to him, just hear his name, a smile comes to my face. i just dont understand it sometimes. he just makes everything seem to go away. but i dont think he will ever see me in that way. ever. and its just confusing because he trusts me with things. things only people will share if they really trust the person. and its just difficult. trying to figure it all out.

then on top of it all. my walk with christ. is no where near what it should be. and i feel like it is because i have no one to keep me accountable. because i am hanging out with thoes on my team, they dont exactly give me the influence that i need. but it is much less stressful when i'm hanging out with them. and when i hang out with thoes who are suppose to be keeping me accountable i just dont feel like they are. again, feeling like the wind again. making choices that can either destroy my life or cool it off.

i guess this one is the icing on the cake. i put all of my energy into softball. its just my completion to life. i cant explain it. it just keeps me level headed. but i just feel like im struggeling so much with it. that i work so hard but yet i accomplish things but they are taken from me. right now my batting average is sitting at 0.000 and that pretty much eats away at my everything. i am working so hard, i'm actually getting very solid hits but yet they are still taken away from me because everytime they are cought. and its funny because everyone keeps telling me "its not about the numbers" in some ways its not. but then in other ways it is. i keep hearing it will come around, and you just dont understand how far you have come since last year. i keep hearing all these things but yet i still feeel like i am achieving nothing. but i guess on thing that my friend told me is that i have to keep being confident in myself because eventally everything will fall into place and it will all click. but until that day comes i just dont know how its going to be. i guess it will be like the wind, i know its there but i dont know what its going to do.

For he knows my plans...

i guess that my life never stops. i'm always busy and to title every one of these having to do with finding time and being busy would just be retarted. so anyway. Finding time for God in my busy schduel is difficult. and i hate it.

but on the other hand i just dont undertand it. well i guess none of us ever will. i just dont understand that when we run the other way from him. he still blesses us. that this whole past week. i went without a devotion. and yet we still won both of our games, he blessed me with great friends that decorated the locker room for my birthday and suprised me with it.

the only thing thats really been difficult in my life recently is guys. theres one that is after me i guess you could put it. hes a real nice guy. but theres a thing with him. i know he loves jesus, but i want it to be evadent in the guy that i dates life. i want to see it all out whole heartedly. and i just dont see it in him. its confusing. that hes in my life. but its not exactly what i want. so i'm not sure if hes the one in Gods plan for me right now, or not. because there are definatly others that i know that i would say yes to in a heart beat because i see jesus living in them. one especially that i've known for a while. and am pretty good friends with. but i guess. just because its what i want. doesnt mean its what God wants. i just wish sometimes. that would happen. like you could write what you want. but in the end Gods plan is better. its just hard to see and i really honestly dont understand why this guy was brough into my life. i mean i'm gunna go to prom with him but other than that.. i dont want to be anything more. but some of the other guys i would in a heart beat.

sometimes i just wish i could see into the future and know his plan. but i guess i cant do that. because hes the on that knows my plan. not me.

to be busy is an understatement.

this week i was so busy its crazy. it was also a very difficult week. my emotions were on a roller coster. with everything that was going on with my mom i jumped off the side of a bridge before looking i guess would be the right term. i found out that a guy was intrested in me and thats what i've been wanting for a while, and to hear that i'm beautiful, and wonderful again just makes a person feel good. well sunday night i stayed on the phone till 1 in the morning with this boy. probably saying things that i shouldnt have said. and sharing too much about myself. i'm not saying i did/said anything wrong. i just opened up too quickly. and monday morning i spend another 2 1/2 hours on the phone with him. it was just nice being wanted. he really wanted to see me on monday but i told him no because i needed to figure out my life and if this is what i really wanted. so i asked him to let me pray about it. and i did pray but not as long as i should have and spent as much time as i should have meditating on this subject. so that night when i talked to him again i told him that i was willing to see where this was gunna go. the next two days i felt like he and i were on different pages. that he was thinking that we were in the soon stages of boyfriend girlfriend and i was thinking ok lets go out on a date to see where this will take us. so tuesday and wednesday i was just very over stressed and worried about it all. and it was literally driving me crazy. and people kept asking me whats going on, because they wanted to know every last detail. well on wednesday night at chruch i ended up talking to one of my d-gorup leaders and she was just asked me a bunch of questions about how i feel about it all. and she told me to follow how i feel. which was talk to him and get him on my same page. well that night i was on the phone with a friend of mine talking to her about it all and i was telling her that i needed to tell him and that i wanted to do it that night but i really didnt wanna do it. and as i was saying this i had a phone call beeping in. it was him. so it pretty much was God just saying you know what do it. so i proceded to tell him how i felt about it all and he understood. and we got off the phone. the rest of the week was just intresting for me figuring out him. b/c i felt as a weight had been lifted i didnt have to worry anymore and it just felt good. but i still just felt really bad about it all. i continued to stay busy with softball through the whole week. and friday rolled around. d-now. such a wonderful weekend. and i had no clue what was going to happen. but of course God does things how he wants to not how you want to. friday night when we went bowling till one in the morning. we bowled next to the junior guys because they wanted to compete to see who was better, but it was never really kept up with. but while bowling i got a suprise out of now where. i had a conversation with jay. miracles do happen. while i was wating to bowl he just came over and asked me how i was doing. i kinda just sat there like what?! and then i answered. it was just small talk but it was good. it was an improvement. it was a step. i was just very happy. that pretty much made my weekend. but yet God had more instore for me. on saturday morning i got a phone call from a number i didnt know while we were in our quiet time/small group. when i listened to the voicemail i screamed for about 10 minutes. the wonderful amanda rogers called me. i couldnt believe it. i finally got in touch with her and i was pretty much the happiest person ever. that night i also wasnt expecting what came. i hadnt talked to zach pretty much after i told him that we needed to work on being friends right now. and he waited till on me so he could give me a hug. it was just nice to know i didnt kill him. my weekend also taught me things other than the invasion. God really taught me about guarding my heart this weekend more than the invasion. which i guess God does things differently for different reasons. i'm just so thankful i have a father that loves me because he loves me. and thats all that really matters.

not so good news.

warning. this note contains bad news. it also contains news that i dont want spread like wild gossip. it also asks for prayer. so just be aware.

i've never felt like this before. i cant get anything to go right in my life. its bad news after bad news after bad thing happens. last night on my way home from practice i called my mom to make sure it was ok if i stll went to dinner with my friend. while still on the phone with her almost to my house she said i need to talk to you about something that has been going on with me. the first thought that went through my head was cancer. but i thought thats not it, it wouldnt happen to me, shes fine she probably just wants to talk to me about keeping up the house, or just finances, or things like that. when she got home the friend that i was going to dinner with pulled in the drive way right after her. my friend came inside and my mom asked her to stay in the kitchen while she and i went and talked in her room. i was scared for my life, my heart started racing, and i couldnt think stright. i had no clue what was comming. she started telling me how back over break she went in for a check up, and had tests run ect. she soon later found out that she was in the early stages of i'm pretty sure cervical cancer. she went in for another test to make sure and when the results came back they were positive. this past thursday she went into surgery to have the cells removed that were there, and the doctor believes that they got it all. and now we're just waiting on results. i just kinda stood there not really knowing what to say or do. my head was racing, do i hug her, do i say i love you, do i just stand here and say ok. i wanted to get out of the room as fast as i could. i didnt know how to handle myself. i was confused, and scared, and again it was another "why me" moment. i went to dinner with my friend to get my mind off of it. when i got home i called my best friends and told them. and soon just started to cry, and cry, and cry. i didnt understand, nor still do. today was a hard day, with it being valentines one, but also in the back of my mind my mom. tonight i went to a friends house for a party. i was fine for a while. but when we started watching a movie i was kinda pushed off by myself to sit. and it really started to hit me, my eyes started to water, and i just couldnt do it. so i sent my friend a text saying i felt so alone in a room crowded with people. and of couse that made him confused. i told him how i was feeling and he said he wanted to pray with me. so we snuck off to the kitchen and we just prayed. and i just cried and cried more. i've never felt this way. i cant figure it out. all i can ask is "why me, why my family" i just cant put the pieces together. i spent 5 hours at the softball field today just to keep my mind off it, working my tail off to get better, and leave my worries behind. because when i step onto that field everything that is bothering me goes away. and all i do is play. its my get away. i guess i'm just at a cross roads in my life and dont know where to turn next. i'm scared for my mom. i cant lose her, shes the only parent i've got. so i guess just pray. pray God will heal her, that he will make her free of this awful thing called cancer. that the doctor did get it all. and that even though theres a 5% chance it can come back. that she will be in that 95%. i just ask you to pray. pray God will heal.

when you've lost all hope

friday was a rough day. one of my teachers got mad at me. i messed up on my pre-cal test and knew exactly what i did wrong. but realized it right after i turned my test in. and then the scout came. i've always known that i'm very hard on myself and if i dont perform to my potential i get really upset with myself and get down on myself more than i should. and thats exactly what happened on friday. i didnt perform to my potential when the scout was watching my friend and i. my friend didnt either. we both felt as if we failed misserably and compleatly ruined our chances at anything. well i knew that i wouldnt get anything out of friday b/c i'm still a junior but i still wanted to atleast make and impression. but that didnt happen (in my opinion). that night the woman called my friend b/c thats the only way shes allowed to communicate with her. my friend told me that she was just ready for criticism and being told your not what i'm looking for b/c of how our performance was on friday. but we were wrong. when the woman called her all she could do was praise her and not understand how she wasnt already taken. and that she wanted to offer a position on their team. when she told me this i broke down into tears. i never in a million years would have thought of that happening. and its a total blessing b/c the only way my friend can attened college is if she goes on a scholarship. and now she can. it was truly mind boggeling when i got the phone call from my friend when she told me the news. we had lost all and complete total hope. but yet in the end God worked just one more miracle.

a view from our lunch table.

i was going to write this in my other post but i felt like its such a different topic that i'd write another post.

today at the lunch table we had a very intresting talk. about how corrupt our world has become. its kinda funny because earlier that day in my spanish class my teacher was talking about how much cluture has changed because our new unit we are starting is on culture. so she was just talking about how something that is was a big deal when she was growing up today is close to nothing compared to what is a big deal today. but as we got to lunch we started talking about how much of an influence people have on you. that when you are not sure of yourself that others can convience you to turn into a person that you dont want to be. and how sadly it is to watch people that you know and love go down that path. and while we were talking about it i just kinda looked around our lunch room and started seeing people and really started to watch them. and i just started to think about what is going on in their heads or what they are struggling with. it really started to pull at my heart that i need to pray for my school. and that i need to be light for my school. that maybe not screaming aroud "love jesus or go to hell" but just watch what i say, or what i do, or how i act in a class, that i'm always being watched just like i watched thoes today. so i guess i just want to challenge you as i am now going to challenge myself to start watching and thinking about what you are doing, that you are always being watched. even when you dont think you are, just like thoes that wern't sitting at my lunch table.

a look into the crystal ball...

the future. its probably the scariest thing i think about. because i have no clue what each day brings. more recently i've been thinking about college. the 7 letter word the average high school junior thinks about. taking the SAT, deciding what you want to major in, where you want to go to school, keeping your grades up. the stress of the average junior. but more recently softball has been playing a huge role of planning for my future. but sometimes i'm just in confusion. i know what i want to do with my life. i want to do graphic design but the factor of where and do i want to play softball play a huge factor. and the factor of if a school offers me to play what am i going to do. i have been talking alot to people about college. i talked to my aunt about a design school up in ohio. and it provides a great opportunity. but if i went there i would be giving up 5 years of my life. having no summer. but when i graduate i would have 2 years of job experience under my belt. i could also attend schools closer to where i live, college of charleston has a strong department in graphic design and so does anderson, which both schools have a softball team. two in one :) but. the stress of it all is really starting to sink in.

but the one thing i continiously take comfort in is that my God has a plan for it all and knows what is going to happen in my life. and last night that was really shown to me. as i am dealing with the stress of the scout comming this week. i really felt like it was ok to ask for prayer. and so i did. and i'm so thankful that i did. i have been truly bathed in it. and its showing. i have been less stressed and just feel ready for this lady comming. and even more a couple friends of mine sent me texts saying the most encouraging things. saying that God has blessed me with this talent and that i can do this and will do it, i also recieved a text from a friend talking about God's peace. and he had no clue what has been going on, and i texted him back and told him how he knew i needed it and all he simply sent back was God did. and right after i read it i fell stright to sleep. i have just felt so much more at peace through this situation after asking for prayer. i look forward to being watched on friday to see where my life will go the paths i will take and the choices i will make. im excited for it.

by his wounds

its just kinda funny how timing comes. one minute you feel one way and the next its a whole other story. When i woke up this morning and laying in bed at ten till six. the lyrics of jermey camps song there will be a day came into my head.

There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place, will be no more, we'll see Jesus face to face
But until that day, we'll hold on to you always

and the really funny thing is when i turned my radio on to listen to while i got ready. that song is the first song i heart. it kinda just reminded me of that God still loves me as i've gone through all these struggles and that there really will be a day with no more tears and no more pain. i'm looking forward to it.

then later at first priority we sang the song by his wounds and the lyrics really hit me b/c of how i've been feeling:

We are healed by Your sacrifice And the life that You gave We are healed for You paid the price By Your grace we are saved We are saved

with all the stuff thats been going on to be reminded that i've been healed is a real comfort to me. i just sometimes dont fathom how lucky i am. and how truly blessed i am. and that really opened my eyes today. releasing me partially from this blur that i'm in.

as i went through out my day i seemed to feel more relaxed and just not much in a fog. and i really started to feel good. like todays gunna be a good day. and it was.

after school i always find myself down at the softball field. for some strange reason. no its actually because i love it. haha ok. well two weeks ago i was informed that there is a scout comming to watch one of my friends. but i was quickly informed that my coach told this woman comming to take a look at me as well just because she can. and when i found out that she was gunna be watching me next friday. all sorts of emotions went through me. excitment. nervousness. hello college is almost here. do i really want to play in college. a full ride with my grades and softball together say what? it really started me thinking about my future. i mean i've thought about it before when people are like hey... so where are you looking at for college.. and i could give a few. but now i have to decide if playing softball in college is what i really want to do. God has blessed me with an amazing ability to be very athletic and fall in love with the game of softball. is it really what he wants for my life? and then more recently i've been catching. our team this year is short of a catcher and when i broke my finger thats all i was able to do was catch our pitcher. but in doing so i started to fall in love with it. its something so powerful i love it. i'm in charge of the field. i can see every player. every step that is taken. every nose picked... haha i just threw that one in for kicks. but sitting behind the plate has handed me control and i like it. and having college thoughts in my head if i can become an outstanding catcher. i can play in college. i can be wanted. i can achieve what most think cant be done. i dont have to ask my parents to pay for my college i can say i did it on my own. (well with God's blessings of couse) but its really got me started thinking if i hadnt broken my finger i wouldnt have started catching. if i wouldnt have started catching then my team wouldnt have a catcher. and even more if i'm a good catcher someone might want me in college i could be good enough. but then it just takes me back to the drawing board. is playing softball in college really what i want to do. i think though honestly i'd miss the too cold practices. the dirt in my hair and under my nails. the bruses. the awesome tan lines i get. and also the family that i get. the 14 other girls that become my sisters. the ones that know how i'm feeling when i walk off the field after a loss or a win. or when we have to run too many sprints to count b/c of errors in a game. i think i'd miss it all too much to say no to. its just a tough decision. but i still have a week before the lady comes. so i guess that means i better get practicing. but i always am anyway.

it just feels good to know i'm in little less of a blur. and i'm starting to figure out who i really am.

to be in a blur

in the last week or so my mind has just been a blur. i've got so much on my mind it all cancles eachother out to become a blur. its hard to describe the feeling of how i've felt. i've started to slack in school. i've become not me. my walk with God has been difficult i finished 1 samuel last week and all i took from the book of 31 chapters is that he took david someone no one believed in and did great things with him. after finishing that book i've had no clue what book to start. and my daily time with God has slowly dwindled down to none. i've also started to long for a relationship with a boy. i mean every girl longs to be told shes beautiful. that shes amazing. that she puts a smile on someones face when shes thought about. to hold his hand. to be able to say yea he's mine and i got a good one. but the struggle is after the last relationship i went through and now that i'm finally healed every boy i talk to i've become intrested in. and then realize what a great friendship i have with him that i dont want to jepordize it. but theres one boy. that i've thought about for a long time. and he and i have been communicating recently. and the hard thing is to continously tell my heart no. you must wait. thats the one thing i hate about being a girl. we have to be the one to wait. but in the end its all the more wonderful. but the waiting part isnt so much. being told i'll text you later or when i get home and then attaching your phone to your hip because you long for that message and are continously telling yourself your not gunna get it just so you dont get your hopes up. thats the hard part. and then the softball field. the place i love. the place where i can let all my worries go. when i'm mad i just hit the junk out of a ball. i'm a blur there too. i cant field. i cant throw. and most of all i've been in a hitting slum. and cant get out of it. i slave in the batting cage stay an hour and a half after practice but yet dont improve since i stepped in. i just cant get out of this fog. and then i'm having friends dealing with situations that i recently just went through and i know how to help them but i just cant because of the blur that i'm in. i just have a cloud in my head. and it wont go away.